home on the range

i've been home for a week. I'll come back to Pasadena in another week.
Being home is like a vortex, where i am separated from everything about my life in Cali. The distance has been good. Getting my head clear about my life, ministry, spirituality-- has been essential. but i do miss you all

I got an iPod!! my new favorite toy. It hold pictures, too. really good quality ones, so i put a lot of my brother's pics of the family on it.
John was home for a few days along with me. it was great to see him after more than a year.

another highlight of the week was my 5 year high school 'reunion' I dont think i can convey to you the feeling of it. it was strange, surreal, and eeriliy familiar. Everyone talked to the same people they talked to in high school. i guess thats not unusual. But it made it feel like those awkward days all over again. i almost didnt have the guts to go. But it was great to get back with some old friends from MEChA and roll in there like the Brown Squad. Some things never change. I was happy to see some people in particular, and wished i had got more time with them before they left to their respective settlements.
i will be reflecting on this for a while. that, and looking at all my old yearbooks have made me realize some of the roots of my psycoses ;-)

King Kong was awesome, too.

Oh, and if you watch the Rose Parade this year, keep an eye out for the 1st ever NEW MEXICO theme float. It will "reflect the Native, Hispanic and Anglo heritage of the Land of Enchantment"

havent been posting the last couple of weeks.
still here, though

Things are looking up, after a rough couple of weeks.
I am looking forward to the break. 2 weeks at home (and possibly a 60GB iPod?)

here are some pictures of New Mexico at christmas time. notice the luminarias

Bakersfield

here i am at the Virtual Enterprise Business and Trade Fair Competitions in Bakersfield, Kern County California.

I have my own hotel room with king size bed all to myself.

Earlier, Sean, his mom and i had dinner at John's Incredible Pizza-- an all you can eat pizza and gaming extravaganza

Later, all the other students will come back from the convention center after dancing, karaoke, DDR and commence to do whatever high schoolers will do when they are alone with other high schoolers in nice hotel rooms in another city.


Life is funny

Thank you, Hugo, for taking care of our poor

When I read this article it amazed and amused me greatly, so I had to share it.
I have been interested in Hugo Chavez since taking Latin American history classes in college and seeing the documentary "The Revolution Will be Televised" about his coup and rise to power. I think he is one of the most interesting and important world leaders of our time.

Anyway...most of the time you hear about him it is because he is butting heads with Bush. This is very important, becasue for most of the last 40 years, Latin American leaders have gone along smoothly with neo-liberalism, global capitalism, right-wing politics and being political and military clients of the US in the region. Chavez reperents the resurgence of the Populist, leftist leader of days gone by, when charismatic and controversial figures came to power by delivering on their promises to help the poor. Chavez has been the champion and spokes person for the working poor, land reform, environmentalism, anti-US economic imperialism and every thing else that is good and decent that George Bush hates.

So here is old Hugo, ever the villian, the thorn in the side of the Bush Administration, providing a service to AMERICA's POOR! What is wrong with this picture? How beautifully does this illustrate what is going on in our times?!

Recently, the US Oil Industry has come under fire from even Republicans in Congress who say the oil companies should be accountable for the MASSIVE profits that have been made this last year with the extraordinarily high gas prices (price gouging motivated by pure greed) US lawmakers have been saying that the oil companies should be giving some of that money to the benefit of the people. now, you know the amount of money they made with the high gas prices must be obcene when you hear REPUBLICANs calling for acocuntability!

So......here is Venezuela, also experiencing a windwall of oil revenue from the high gas prices. And what do they do? in addition to helping their own poor, they gave discounted gas to heat AMERICAN poor homes during the winter!!

Love your enemies.
Amen

I think that one of the the things that Jesus wants us to understand about Him and about life is this: That there is something profound about pain. There is a way in which we can, in our human pain, really be human with (and thus, love) our neighbor.
Our pain, our longing for an end to pain is what unites us all. We spend our lives trying to hide it, escape it, numb it or understand it.
What Jesus did was come into the world's pain, and make it his own. In this way he became fully human.

How can we become fully human? How can we love our neighbor?

Every day i am around people who struggle to live through circumstances that are painful. I aid a student who was born unable to walk or move his limbs. I live in a neighborhood where people have to work very hard for the things that they need, and broken relationships result in fighting, depression, and self-destruction. I myself struggle with the sins, flaws and limitations that keep me from the life God wanted for me.

Here is where we can connect. My pain, is their pain. I can view my pain as the pain. The agony that defines our expereince as humans who are living not as we are meant to live, but marred and blinded by sin.

Truly this is the mercy that God showed us. The mercy of knowing our pain and making it his. This is my redemption, it is your redemption, it is the redemption of our communities as we go forth and do the same. You can truly love someone and serve them when you see that their pain is your pain, I think

Every person knows deep in their soul that things are not the way they should be. we wait for the Kingdom, but what does it mean to wait but to suffer-with? Com-passion

sweet

Currently Listening

I recently had the desire to explore more acoustic emo music. I became enamoured of this genre back during my freshman year of college when Joel, my friend and fellow music fanatic introduced me to such artists as pedro the Lion, Damien Jurado, Songs Ohia, Other Desert Cities and Starflyer 59 to name a few. There was a particular quality of the music that was simple and soft, and spoke to my soul's inner depths....the part of me that would just want to stare out the window and then write down some free-form poetry. It was a nice compliment to the hip hop, funk and soul that dominated my musical repertoire.
Here is something i recently picked up--"Veneer" By Jose Gonzalez-- and a quote from a Spin magazine review

"González is a Swedish-born Argentine folkie who exhales snatches of rainy-day poetry and finger-picks his guitar like he's backing a suicidal flamenco dancer. But his debut betrays no melodrama, just an exquisitely brittle, bruised articulation of how bewildering and devastating it can be to wake up every day and watch your hope slip away before the coffee is even made." A-

Other stuff....the new Los Lobos album. Some of the best and coolest Mexican traditional music performers.


And i am waiting for this in the mail--- more melancholy, poetry-inspiring instrumental/sample-based hip hop. (trip-hop, as it were). A local producer known as Dday One. The album is called "Loop Extensions"

feats of strength

Last night was a fun time. The Northwest Neighbors men all faced off one by one with Greg to honor him and his Germanic/Midwestern roots by wrestling. It was an evening of epic struggles, pitting man against man, intern against intern, executive director against intern, and people group against people group.
Props to Greg for emerging victorious in about 7 of 9 matches. His valor and stamina were stunning (or maybe that was the blow to the skull i revieved when Greg and I accidentally butted heads)

Happy Brithday, Greg

Querida

waves of grainy cumbias and guajiras flutter through the
walls and in between doorways
sad strains, with dust and shards of sunlight
a cloudy vase sits atop a thickly painted red table
only a fiery dead rose inside

the times of needing her are over
left to ponder unknown words and intentions
trapped and aching in this space
in this space
in this city
cracked concrete, smell of taqueria, cars moving
human bodies from hogar to trabajo
bungalows and apartments hiding millions of
stories under cover of sooty palm trees.
Kissing her was like kissing tragedy
like embracing something that was only a word away from
becoming a phantom
together, we forgot the path ahead of us
lived solemnly backward and backward in time
whispering echoes of chocolate,
café con leche
incense smoke
and Mayan pyramids

the needle sputters and pops as it glides over the record
I strain to hear her voice—
that sound that brought colors to life
and made all songs repeat her name,
her name

we carved our stories into the loneliness of nameless streets
walked them
made each other laugh and
sing on them
and shared the joy of watching
a neighborhood change and grow

her voice now massages fading mysteries
into my mind
her memory is a dark deer
quiet breath into chill air
a twitch
then gone
onto a mossy mountain path I will never find

hope it goes well

Tonight Teresa and I are going over to Cal State Fullerton to begin a teaching series on justice and God's love for the poor. I will be speaking for 30 min on the topic of God's identifying with the poor...
I am a little nervous about going into this. i am just not sure how it will be recieved or how well my talk presents the material i want to get across.
please pray that the Holy Spirit works through it and that people hear what they need to hear.
i like preaching to a group, but it still makes me nervous, especially when i dont really know the crowd

America, Vol 1

In honor of Dia de los Muertos

on another note...i've been wanting to start a topical 'blog series' kind of like Jason had last year about capitalism.
I've been wanting to talk about the idea of America-- The concept that America itself is a concept, an abstraction that shifts, evolves, adapts to different settings, different historical periods and different personal or social needs.
What does America mean?
what does it mean to immigrants?
what does it mean to soldiers?
to Christians?
to Muslims?
to city-dwelers? rural dwellers?

i think the discussion is important, because more and more, our leaders on the natonal level are shaping policy annd moving us in a direction that leads toward their particular idea of what America is. Call it religious conservatism, privitaization, villification of outsiders (immigrants, 'terrorists') and subversive insiders (gays, minorities, liberals, welfare mothers, teachers)
in any case, i think there is a case to be made for the idea that in no time in history has there ever been a unity, a nation or a community that could be called the United States. The title 'American' is an arbitrary, abstract one--yet it takes on meaning depending on your context and your other identities within your context.

Look at the history of America before the Civil War. What were the 13 colonies? Most historians agree that the bond between them was relatively weak until after the Civil War when Federal power greatly increased. What was America then? A Continental Army? A set of laws called the Constitution? A wealthy, landed elite maintaining power over the masses of disenfranchised or enslaved people? Or was it the thousands of stories of the mixing and melding of ethnic groups, the negotiation in homes, on farms, in the streets, on the frontiers of new and changing identities? Was it the experience of the Iroquois, the Sioux, the Cherokee? Was America the crucible for new cultures, languages, economies? Was it the destination for people who wanted to forget where they came from? Was it the goal of people who wanted to make things better for themselves and their decendants?

Remember that wars have been fought, people have died over the issue of what defines America. People have gone to their death clinging to the desire for this idea to be real. But it never was real, nor could it ever be. Humans have been creating America since day one, and we continue to create it, which is why i think we are either so critical or so proud of it. It is the best of what we can create and it is the worst.

One thing i want to throw out there is defining the most fundamental unit of social organization. As you go from Global to national to local, what is the point at which you cross over from the abstract to the real? Is there such thing as a global community? A nation? Is the most basic form of social organization the family? The neighborhood? the married couple? the Church?

What is America to the youth in my neighborhood? On one level,they are products of the public school system. The purpose of the public school system was to assimilate immigrants in the late 1800s and early 1900s by molding their minds around the idea that , yes, indeed there is a thing called America and here is what it looks like to be a part of it-- good citizenship, know your history, obey the rules, speak English, stay in line, no cuts, play sports, learn some skills and get a job.
Public education is the factory in which the labor force for capitalism is produced (soldiers and prisoners as well as mechanics and managers)

So....the youth in our neighborhood have some sense of a mythical and all-encompassing America. It is taught to them in the schools. But what is their experience of America outside school? That is where it gets fascinating, because they and their families are in the process of creating "America" First of all, they are "Americans" before they even crossed the borders of this nation. They come here, raise their children here, work, live, buy things, make relationships, pay taxes, commit crimes, engage in politics, re-shape the ecology, etc.
But what would they consider their community, their 'country'? Some would say Mexico, or Guatemala or El Salvador. Others would describe a 'globalized community' in which family relationships, resources and information permeate national borders and form a kind of 'third space' of identity that is not confined or defined by colors or lines on the map. Some would say Pasadena. Some California. Some would say Chicano, some Latino. Some might say 'I am an American.' ........
to be continued

Notice the rapt curiosity of the audience as i try to flesh out the contrast between the Johannine and the Lucan theologies, as they pertain to the concept of the in-dwelling "pneuma," or Spirit. The talk went a little over the 90-minute mark i had set, but i sensed from their response that they're ready for next week's systematic examination of Logos and the triune nature of the Trinity.

i think that those of us who move into the city from intervarsity and college campuses think too much and feel too much for our own good. we are desperately self-centered and ill-equipped to handle even the most routine realities of life in the city. we compartmentalize our expereinces into intellectual, emotional and spiritual categories and then think and reflect on them over and over. We are needy-- needy for people who are like us to surround us, affirm us, provide us with a listening ear, entertainment, comparison, and people to share weaknesses and insecurities with. We have not suffered, not fought an uphill battle our entire lives, we are uptight and hyper-sensitive, hyper-analytical and rigid....whereas our neighbors are more spontaneous, able to cope with living and working and struggling in real life, aged and educated by accumulated wisdom, family bonds forged in survival, migration, poverty, upward mobility, cultural adaptation...
we take many things too seriously, yet we give ourselves to very few serious things. We talk about suffering and sacrifice and community, yet we run away from discomfort and continue to be individualistic until we hit a crisis point and then we ask someone to pray for us. Our character growth is so slow because our egos and insecurities are so big.

praise God for using us anyway. he loves us so much.

love in, love out

life for me this last month has been defined by a very strong (and i think in some ways healthy) tension that i have felt every day.

In college, my leaders always had to challenge me to get up, get out and be involved with the people i was ministering to. i was very stingy with my time. These days, it is the other way around. I have been feeling a deep nagging need to get back into solitude, to take some rest and to reflect on the things that have been going on. But what i've been doing is saying 'yes' to almost everything, leaving me with almost no time to myself....On the other hand, i am really happy with the relationships that have come from my time in the neighborhood, and excited about building them up even more during the next year.

recently, i have been recieving teaching about the importance of informal relationships, and shared needs among neighbors....i love these things, and have discovered God blessing me and those around me through them. This is why i wanted to do urban ministry, so that i could see community being built and be a part of that.

But there needs to be time to pray
there needs to be time to rest
to connect with loved ones and friends in other places
to celebrate

but this leads me to another thing ive been thinking about. Jason reminded us that real community in the kingdom of God is when people can rest, celebrate and fellowship across class and cultural lines and neighbors...And I have been feeling this. Times with Reza and kids from R2R have been fun and relaxing when we take them out for ice cream and Borders. Celebrating Juan's cousin's brithday at his house, and Juan's birthday last night at another neighbor's house were both joyful times for me, that did not sap my energy that much at all.
Coming from intervarsity and the college ministry context, this is new for me. And i love it. I love that 'ministry' for me is finally flowing out of my being, and not from a burdensome structure or expectation.....

yet i am still self-centered
i still am taking more than i am giving
i still have a lot to learn and a lot to see
a lot that i want to do and see

all this to say, I am really happy with where my life is going right now in terms of neighborhood and community, but without staying connected to God in prayer and personal devotion, i feel like my life is being poured out before my eyes without being refilled. It needs to be coming from an overflow of God's love for me as his son...

what its really about

last night i took the two boys i am mentoring to shop for shoes and then to Equator, an artsy hooka-bar/coffee shop in an alley off of Colorado Blvd in old Town. It was interesting seeing their reactions to the place. It seemed from their reactions that they were a bit wierded out by the strange artwork and the employees with huge plug-earrings-- not to mention the vast menu of odd and foreign (to them) items.

They got regular hot chocolate, and we sat down to talk on the couches next to a broken pac man machine, with mellow reggae music playing sofly in the background.
it was a good time...probably one of the most restful, laid back times i have had hanging out with them. it felt like they were more mature and certainly willing to try a new experience (be "cross-cultural") and this was encouraging.

a theme of this weekend's NWN retreat was interdependent community of shared needs and genuine relationships...I feel blessed to have been experiencing the beginnings of this where i am now.

3rd post in one day!!! check the rest!

Jason and his inquiry about land grants in California has re-kindled my interest in my family tree research. During my senior year, I managed to construct a pretty extensive family tree starting with myself and going back in time. There are only some small gaps in terms of connecting my paternal line back to the first Vigils that arrived in New Mexico from Zacatecas in 1695. This (left) is the family name coat of arms from Spain. Below is just a little info i have been able to find more recently. When i go back home, i hope to bring back my file with all the information i had compiled from spending hours in the library and the state archives.


Vigil
Castilianized form of Asturian-Leonese Vixil, a habitational name from a place named Vixil in the district of Consejo de Siero, Asturies.

The name Vigil first appears in the New Mexico history in the late 1600's. Francisco Montes Vigil and Maria Jimenez De Ancizo were colonists from Zacatecas. In Santa Fe in 1695, he said he was a native of El Real De Zacatecas and thirty years old. In 1710, he received a grant of land at Alameda, but sold it two years later.

emotion

emotions have been a theme lately around here
my relationships with Juan and Frankie are becoming more emotionally involved. I have had to apologize to each of them once for small failures. Frankie's mom, each time I see her, talks to me at length about how Frankie is at home and the issues she deals with in their family. This is incredible, and really valuable to me....but after we finish talking, i leave feeling a little like i need to shoulder the burden of Frankie's emotional life with his family
and then there is just the day-to day understanding of their lives and the things they see, talk about, deal with each day, and HOW they deal with things. How they relate to girls, to each other, how they relate to me and other adults in NWN.

where is the balance between shouldering too much emotional burden and none at all?

more and more, i realize that i do not know what i am doing when it comes to this. Hopefully, prayer this weekend will remind me of why these boys are important to God and what he wants for them. And where i fit itno all that.

meanwhile, my emotional outlet has been listening to music, and writitng poetry while listening to emo-rock and classical music. (see below)

random verse

sparkle
simmer
simple lying like nothing
breath in the space behind her teeth
eyelash curved black like
the middle of her eye
only this
only forever

mouth of red
speaks whispered mutterings
that
sound like your name
but really are just
sounds of air and lips and
tongue and teeth
against dream silkiness
laughing spurts out
smiled, giggled
looked the other way

this is the clay of life
of touch
of bodies’ imperfection
and perfect beauty
intimacy
awkwardness
the slight embarrassment of
physical contact
even when you invited it

olas en el mar
me siento triste
triste
nadando en olas
en mares
en mares de flores
mares de blanco, crema
dedos suaves
estoy contento pero chiquito
en el azul
azul cómo
un lago profundo
que nunca existió


to the outside you work
accommodate
perform
arrive on time
fulfill expectations
and behave yourself
but in your heart you are the Earth’s musician
you are the giant resting on a bed of millions of rain-wet pine trees
you are every bird
every fish
every fast thing on every unsearched continent
the singer of melodies never heard
the son on ancient stories
the untouchable boy hero of the woods
and the creek
and the plains
sleeping in grass under a billion stars
the day before never holds you down
and the next day never exists until you create it
with brazen fervor and arrogance


“Turn your eyes from me,
they overwhelm me…”
Song of Songs 6:5

where have I belonged
during my life?
I remember times in the house
times of afternoon light
lazily beaming through curtains
and catching tiny pieces of dust
in the middle of a sublime dance
in the air
each small speck illuminated as if
it were the moon catching the brilliant
light of the sun and flinging it lovingly
back to nighttime Earth
I would lay on the brown orange carpet and wonder
why can I only see the dust that is in the light
are there more that I don’t see, more hidden in the dimness
but no less beautiful?

awaiting...

the long awaited 5th album from Minneapolis-based indie-rapper Atmosphere (Slug on rhymes, Ant on beats) I have it coming in the mail some time this week. Atmosphere is the premier underground act right now--their style is raw, creative, gritty, articulate and honest

In other news...

I have been reading Howard Zinn's "A People's History of the U.S" again. This book altered the cousre of my life in 11th grade AP US history. As we are learning about Colonial American history in Sean's classes this month, i thought it would be nice to get some perspective. Particularly on Columbus, whose holiday is coming up, and the Puritans, who influenced faith and politics in this country so much, but whose deeds back in the day were less than shining.

i was fortunate in college to have taken a class on Medieval Spain and Morocco, in which we read Columbus' journals, but from the perspective of what was going on in Spain rather than in America. It is interesting to interpret the meaning of Columbus' actions in terms of the expulsion of the Muslims and Jews from Spain and the establishment of the first Christian nation-state in Spain.

my talk at Occidental went really well last night. i love preaching, i've discovered. i was on a real high after it was over. it is so encouraging to have seen God work in my words in that way.

thank you for all those that prayed for me.

just a little notice--- i am about to be out of internet access in the home for at least one month. so the frequency of my posts here will not be as much, but i will still be checking my email at work.

some cool tshirts

“Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill?”
-Numbers 23:19

They sailed to the region of the Gerasenes, which is across the lake from Galilee. When Jesus stepped ashore, he was met by a demon-possessed man from the town. For a long time, this man had not worn clothes or lived in a house, but had lived in the tombs.

Jesus came to this town. He intentionally came there. He knew about this town, and that this man was living there. There was a reason for his arrival. He got in a boat and sailed across the lake to this town, knowing what he would encounter there, knowing the work his Father wanted to do there. This is who Jesus was. He went intentionally to the places where there was shame, pain, evil, destruction, powerlessness.

A demon possessed this man. He was powerless. He was not in his right mind. He was controlled by a force that only sought to destroy him. He had no power to get rid of it, or act for his own healing. This had gone on for a long time. Many years, probably. This is how he lived. At the mercy of evil and confusing forces beyond his control. This was his life. For how many of us does this describe our lives?

No clothes. That is, no dignity, and with his shame exposed. No cover to keep him from the elements or to designate his as part of the human family. A constant reminder of the humiliation and degradation that evil causes. In his enslavement, he was repulsive to the people around him. We are reminded of the tender act of mercy God showed to Adam and Eve, taking life for the first time in order to clothe these first fallen people.

He had not lived in a house. He had no home. This demon had separated him from a home. What does this mean? How significant is this? What is it like to not have a home? A bed to lay down on. A space to rest in. A familiar, comfortable place. A place to meet the people you love. A place for you to own. He did not have this. That is what the demon did. The demon took him away from home. Away from the center of life, from the place where he could have found rest and recognition.

He had lived in the tombs. O how we do the same, when we slink into our sin, surrendering our strength, our will to the temptations that so thickly surround us! It is death—not just homelessness, but living (if you could call it that) among death, decay, putrid, unclean soul-less flesh. How hopeless, how dark this must have been for him. Day after day, retreating in torment to the tombs, isolated from all good things, all the promises of God. This is me, when I am tempted to impress others, tempted to have confidence in my doing the right thing, tempted to be critical, to lust, to isolate myself, to define myself by or escape in material things, to be cynical, bitter or complacent about injustice, to rely on and seek affection and attention from the people around me as a substitute for God….
How could he see a way out for himself? Who would save him from this bondage?

one of the most encouraging and positive things that has happened to me this week was tuesday. Leaving work, i take Fair Oaks, which brings me by the students from Blair waiting for the bus. I saw Charlie and Gaby so i picked them up. As we drove home, i told them about the situation with the buy i work with at SP High. I was so blessed by their immediate concern and excitement about the idea of praying for his healing. They even wanted to meet him and pray for him themselves! These girls have a strong understanding of the Holy Spirit, and more faith in it than I do. It was so encouraging to ask them questions about faith and the Spirit, and revieve wise counsel about loving and praying for Sean.

Thanks girls

pray

this job has gotten real live real fast

today Sean told me "If God could raise Lazarus from the dead and heal people, why can't he heal me....I hate him even more if he can do it, becasue that means that he just doesnt want to."

i really want to believe that God will heal him. I would love to be put out of a job. i am scared, though. His family are beleivers, and i am sure that they have prayed for years for him. i am sure that many people have. What would it take, God? What will it take for you to heal him?

Right before he told me this stuff, we had been talking about God and Christianity in America. He agrees with me that the God of the bible-- the God who is powerful and heals people--is not the God of the American church. But he will not have faith in God, becasue he is afraid of trusting him only to be disappointed when God does not come through for him.

I wish i could have taken all afternoon to finish this conversation. What can i do? It is interesting that these conversations take place in the nurse's office, the only time when we are alone, and i am changing his daiper. It is interesting becasue it is a time where he is the most vunerable, the most exposed and dependent. It would be a very awkward time if we did not have the relationship that we do.
Would that he see something of God's love for him in the tenderness and humility of those that care for him. Would that we be humble and tender.

yes

Check out this post on Lexie's xanga- having to do with art and music as a way of mourning particularly in New Orleans. I really appreciated it.

Praise God for a first bible study last night. It was fun, and the kids learned some truth about God. We keep praying.

Also, first day of school in Pasadena!

tonight Reza and I went inviting kids to our first bible club that is taking place tomorrow night. We are both really excited about this. it has been my vision to see a few of these families in particular be brought in to the ministry. I have had such a hope and vision for these kids. For some of them, the environment they live in is very harsh and negative, and it might hinder them from even being involved with us in the future. We need to especially pray for them. My heart has been burdened for these kids in particular, and i really hope they will be allowed to come.

After we went inviting, i had a good time cooking pancit, a Filipino dish with Reza and Adriana and Rosa, two girls from Betsy's bible study. They are so much fun! The food was really good, too.

Tell-A-Lie welcome in every home
vacuum vision infiltrates the dome
dismantle the Panasonic Prophet
with pixelated power turned on to make a profit
Radiating box power supply
ubiquitous babysitter strangles every eye
the children planted receptive complacent antenna
sheltered from reality, technology's mental umbrella
the unconquered frontier brings static to your vision
choose your channel and slurp up national superstition
but dont forget to play your position
blind consumption of media = unqualified submission

beads

a boy is sitting on his chair in the dark
in his hand, a rosary
dark, smooth wooden beads
he rubs one gently with finger and thumb
watching it spin around a tiny silver chain.
silver Christ, glued to a polished wooden cross
his minute face solemn, peaceful
but olny lines etched skillfully into metal

he leans his neck back against the top of the chair
he can see nothing, glaring up at the ceiling.
clutching the cross loosely in his hand
in and out of sleep
wishing for some thing
hearing some kind of word, but maybe it is no word
music that is not there

alone
he joins the small silver Jesus in quiet sleep
away, but into the heart of himself
crying bead-drops nobody can hear

This picture is of a legal wall behind Workmen's hip hop clothing and graffitti supply store on Melrose in Hollywood. That's for you, bro.

This picture is from the childrens' ministry craft night a couple weeks back. Juvenal, Adriana, me, Alejandra, Reza, Claudia and Norel. All of them were in the summer program except Claudia.

I've been getting off work at 3. i like having a short work day. It will probably be like this until October, when i start tutoring after school. Interestingly, the job of tutor at SPHS pays significantly more than my current job of Special Needs Aid.

I've been thinking a lot lately, more soberly about my life.
it seems like things constantly hang in a delicate balance between chaos and evil on one side, and peace and salvation on the other. More and more, it is clear how lost all people are. How utterly given over to destruction-- self-destruction and destruction of others. More and more it is clear to me that this is the world i live in, and for as long as i am alive, a part of me will be drawn to it. Seduced by lies. Seduced by the desire to have all for myself and ignore other human beings. It sounds extreme, but this is fundamentally what is behind our fallen condition.

i've been thinking about the hurricane in New orleans. That city was the homicide capital of the nation this last year. the disaster came right at the hub of the country's oil production centers, at a time when we are engaged in an unjust war with oil at the center of it. What is God doing? we cannot presume to know. Like Greg said, we must repent! we must not retain any illusion of our own goodness, righteousness, salvation. will we heed the cleansing destruction of these events and clean out our lives from everything that is reprehensible, filthy, built up, glittery, superficial, 'reliable'? Lament that so many have lost so much. how much more will we lose if we do not heed the words of the prophets.

First Day

today was my first day at work. South Pas High. I must say it was pretty good. It was good to meet Sean, and it was kind of fun navigating the awkward world of high school again.
Praise God that things are going smoothly. Hopefully i will remain teachable, humble and attentive and not fall into a routine. Pray for eyes to see and ears to hear.

change of course

Here is an interesting link that the homegirl Amy Walter sent me. Good lookin out

I have some thoughts about this blog. i realize that the last several months, i have mainly used it for posting ruched updates, random things of interest and pictures. Thats all good, but I have been inspired recently (mainly by two friends from the PA) to use this space as what i had originally intended it for-- a space for reflection, sharing and feedback on what God is doing (in me and in the world), my spiritual development, and particularly the ministry that i am involved in.

This will all depend on my own initiative of course. part of my motivation is that i desire more connectedness, more community. i realize that web logs and cyberspace is not true community, but we work with what we have at our disposal in our 'workaday' lives. I have also missed getting meaniful feedback from all you people who visit this blog, which i think i was getting more of back when i was posting more meaningful things from my heart. Rather than posting pictures of the kids, i want to write about them. You know what i mean?

I just returned from a week and a half in Albuquerque. The time was pretty laid back. Home is home, and it can be very comfortable or very frustrating. Now here I am in Pasadena, and i am realizing that i almost never make this transition back in a good healthy way. i feel very disconnected. i feel ( as i often do) that i ran away from God while i was at home, and i do not have the emotional energy or humility to come back to him now. this highlights a deeper theme: Whenever i fall into times of darkness, lonliness or sin patterns, i will isolate myself, wallow in shame and hide-- basically, it is hard form me to accept or believe in God's grace. I believe in it for other people, but not for me. It is hard for me to accept that God is patient with me sometimes, becasue my failures tend to be the same failures that i have always had.

But grace is beautiful. O how beautiful it is. That Our Creator would see us and not be angry, that he would see us without our stains, and would lift us up and keep walking with us, keep blessing us, and giving us good gifts.

I feel like i havent been 'me.' So it is hard to think of getting back into the flow of things with the youth-- to really step up into this new season. i prepared for it and prayed about it when i was home. I am excited about the mentoring relationships. but i think i really need to pray and think about grace.....if it were not for grace, i would not abel to do any of this.

O Brother

please observe my new list of links to your right. I am particularly excited about the addition of Lexie's Xanga, a chronicle of ministry life in Claremont.

also, i want to share my latest music interest. Last night i watched "O Brother Where Art Thou?" with my Dad. I love the Coen brothers' movies, and what particularly struck me was the soundtrack. 15 minutes into the film, i knew i had to have it.



For real, this is the gangster shit. I've been flirting with the idea of exploring 'bluegrass' or 'American roots music' Something about it has always intrigued me... this soundtrack is straight up S O U L. I cant even explain it. It is deeply, deeply spiritual, and also very honest about daily life, work, sin, redemption. Thats why i like the blues...it is similar to the blues, and influenced by it. I highly recommend this soundtrack, and i will for sure be getting down on more of this stuff.

Also new on the playlist:



Dj Z-Trip- "Changing Gears" Z-Trip is a DJ from Phoenix, who has appeared on many turntablist comps, mixtapes, live shows, bboy jams and collabos with other DJs. This is his first actual album. Pretty good, especially the track with Soup from Jurassic 5



AWOL One and Daddy Kev "Killafornia" AWOL is probably the most unusual hip hop MC you'll ever hear. Straight out of the Los Angeles underground scene, He is not a particularly skilled rhymer, but the combination of his voice and his thought process is stunning. You find yourself intently listening to what he is going to say next. A lot of it is hilarious. Best line on the EP so far: "I'm so underground, I should be a potato!"

posting from New Mexico

here i am, back home. This home is a place that is stranger to me each time I come back. yet, the familiarity is always nice.
I love the air here. To me, the air in Pasadena is thick and muggy. It is in a valley. I love Albuquerque becasue it is high in the desert. The air is clean, fresh and crisp, even when its hot outside. The first morning i was here, i took the best deep breath i've had in a long time.

The drive in was not too bad. 12 1/2 hours. I didnt get too tired.

The pace of life is much slower here. For some reason, it seems more like a small town than the last time i was here.

I will probably go see my grandparents tonight.

Hopefully i will also have some time to reflect. Right before i left, I accepted a job at South Pasadena High school, as a Special Needs Aid. I will be working exlusively with Sean, a 16 year old with cerebral palsey. He has almost no physical ability, so i will go with him to classes, take notes for him, transcribe his homework, take him to the bathroom....
This will be challenging work, but the prospect of developing a friendship that would probably otherwise not occur is exciting to me.
I have also been thinking a lot about adolescence and the youth. I think i have been very frustrated with the 14-15 year old age bracket. Since being home with my 15 year old brother, this has greatly increased. I guess i struggle with really understanding and having patience for where they are emotionally, developmentally, socially. I really want to love them, but often this is a challenge. Even though i am often confused and troubled by them and the things i see in their lives, I am anticipating really good relationships with J and F this year, as i hope to get to know their families and school lives. I pray that they (and I) would be open to God's words and will. Also for my brother. I was thinking last night that really, my absence for the crucial 10 to 14 years old age range had a bigger effect on him than i thought. I think that if i had been there to be a friend, a guide, a mentor to my brother, then he would be a different person, or at least a little more well adjusted and emotionally stable...maybe even mature.

This is hard to think about, but i think i need to face it. I need to understand what it means that i have re-located and chosen God's will in another place far from home....

i have a job interview with South Pasadena High School today
and another one for Odyssey Charter School in Pasadena tomorrow.
On Wednesday i will be driving to Albuquerque for a week.

oooooooo

Good News

Today was special.

With very little preparation, I spoke the Gospel message to all the children at the summer program today. We remembered some of the things we learned at VBS. I told them how much God loves us and how we can be close to Him. I told them what kind of life God offers.
After Charlie gave her testimony (she is much cooler than i am in their eyes) almost all of the kids in the room raised their hands saying they wanted to let Jesus into their hearts.
We (me and the interns) were joyous. Afterwards, we broke off the talk with the kids about thier decisions in small groups and pray with them. It was the first time i had been with anyone in their decision to follow Jesus. It was exciting for me on many levels.

Knowing that for some of these kids, this day would be the beginning of a life of faith, healing, community and blessing...that future leaders are being born this summer, that some of the kids were compelled to share some of the pain and struggles they deal with very intimately with us, in the hopes that trusting Jesus would give them strength.
I love these kids a lot, and it made my heart glad to get a glimpse not just of a cool event/decision, but of the advancement of the Kingdom among a people that God loves so so much.

Please pray that God's Spirit would rest powerfully on these kids' lives

Praise God

Go Dukes!

Here is a picture of the Albuquerque Dukes mascot, the Duke. This was the old minor league farm team that was an Albuquerque institution for many generations. I have fond memories of going to Dukes games and taligate parties not too far from my home where the satium was. Now it no longer exists, and the Isotopes have taken the place of the Dukes. Needless to say, there's no school like the old school. The Duke represents the city so much better than a stupid Isotope.

anyway....

I have not been posting too much personal stuff. But I have been blessed, encouraged and exhorted by my continued reading of all my friend's blogs (which has been rarer, because i dont have a computer)
It has been a stressful time, but a good time. God has been bringing up deeper sins to my attention-- in myself, and in the community i am surrounded by every day: the young people of the summer program. In a real sense, I feel like this is my family. i feel like i have a bunch of little brothers and sisters that i care about so much. Please pray that the kids would have left this summer with an encounter with Jesus' love. There is so much need in the community, so much that could be attended to with far more time, resources, committment, love than i or any of us have. I treasure the small moments of talking to one of the kids where i am let into just a little bit of how they experience their family, their neighborhood, their culture, their relationships.....

Hope is a discipline

There is a God in Israel.

Here is a pic from the Summer Program. This has been a lot of fun for me. As Edna Mode in The Icredibles said, "It has completely confiscated my life, dah-ling." Well, not completely, but as much as a job i love will. It has been a blessing to see the junior staff jr high and high schoolers grow in maturity, responsibility and character--- much of it through difficult and challenging situations.
One thing I've realized about working with kids is that the kids themselves do not necessarily push my buttons--- it is the unpredictability of large groups of kids in a daily schedule that really keeps me on my toes.

I bought this yesterday. Now I am one step closer to becoming Mixmaster J to the IzzAke.

the heat changes things.
i think it has changed the way i think about my life.
its strange that some added physical discomfort would highlight all the other, more deep and irritating discomforts that you spend your time trying not to complain about to your friends.

more later

this was my brother John when he went home to Albq. from Iraq last month 

whew

this weekend's highlights:

saw OZOMATLI for FREE on Friday night in downtown LA. So much fun. At one point, the crowd burst open the barriers and went into the fountain in front of the band. I went for it, shoes and all, and it was worth it.

Saturday night kicked it at home with the homies Rob One and Eric Sermon, watching the Chapelle Show. Havent been entertained like that in a long time

Sunday, Church at Epicentre, then to Will Rogers beach with Tina, Reza, the Partida girls and some other kids from the summer program (and Jorge) that was a lot of fun. In N Out afterwards. Later on, some Settlers with Rob, Eric and Greg over some beezys

Monday, Sabbath in the afternoon in Eagle Rock, then a barbecue in the park at the Rose Bowl..good friends, good weather, good times...and the fireworks.

Today.....first day of the summer program,

Ask me about it.

Endings and Beginnings

Today marked the end of a season in my life. It was the last day of school at TAS. We went on an all-day beach field trip, where we (the teachers, some parents and our kids) got to just have fun in the ocean.
It was one of the funnest times i have had in a long time. Such a good end to a long, rich, fruitful year.

The emotions and thoughts that were going through me as i left that campus were many, and overwhelming. My year there has been so much for me-- learning, challenge, truth, failure, insecurity, joy, vision, affirmation, confirmation.....I have a deep love and gratitude for that place and what it represents for South Central LA.

I pray that God would look down and have mercy
I pray that TAS students would be the leaders who turn LA upside down.
I pray for repentance and that teachers' and families' lives would move toward the kingdom.

I thank God for many reasons, but one of the major ones is that in a very real way, when i walked into my first day back at the beginning of October, God had prepared TAS as a place where I would be prepared to lead the NWN summer program. i am absolutely sure that if i had not worked at TAS, i would not be ready to take on this task in the next season of my life.

So, the summer begins for me. A new job, a new place to be each day, new relationships, new study (gifts, and Acts) and new need to trust God (for the fall and beyond, job-wise)

thank you friends for walking along side me.

I guess you guys found me out.
I just want to say that I am really grateful to Tyra for seeing in me what I knew was there all along. Thanks, Tyra, for being so understanding and letting me have some time off to pursure my dream of urban youth work!

I guess there is more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking

check out this website

http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/java/scienceopticsu/powersof10/index.html

i will be going to Toronto, Canada for the next week. I am excited to see my family but a little nervous about how it will be with them. whenever i go home, things get hard spiritually.

volver

havent been posting much recently. A combination of business, and just a lot of processing stuff on my own.

I got an 80 GB external USB hard drive on Ebay a couble days ago. it should come any day now. I will be able to have all my music in one location. ooooo

Spiritually, this has been a season of new wine coming into old wineskins. Daily following God and recieving all the teaching and experiences coming my way has been like waking up out of a deep sleep every day. Like dying a little bit, then a little bit more.
I'm in it for the long haul.

In a week i will drive to Las Vegas to meet my family, and then fly from there to Toronto Canada. It will be my first time in Canada.

here are some pictures from our recent field trip to El Campeon farms in Thousand Oaks.

the whole crew 

Maria: "Whatchyoutalkinbout, Willis?" 

Arlene and Tra'myah, best friends  

Ilver and Neftaly. "America no sirve!" 

Last night i saw the movie Crash with friends. I have to say, this is one of the best movies i have seen in a long time. it impacted me in many ways, and it is something i will be thinking of for a long time.
i am open for discussion about it, but right now i just want to post to say that people should see the movie.

three t-shirts (scroll down)

holler. its been a while since i last posted. things have been very busy for me. Every time I get the opportunity to blog, i start trying to think of somethind that will be deep and impactful. but then i give up becasue i realize that those things just have to come in their time. (eventually the next music review will come out, i've just come up on a cache of hot new music via my brother in Albq.)

anyway, here is something superficial but i really want to share it. I was asked about my 'guilty pleasures' Well, hip hop clothing and t-shirts is one of them. I love, LOVE conscious, artistic t shirts that display images and words from classic and underground hip hop culture.

here are a few key spots in the LA area
The Globe in Pomona- probably the best hip hop shop i have seen out here, thorough in its underground, electro, reggae, clothing, graffitti and b-boy merchadise

El Mercado

Imix Bookstore in Eagle Rock Home of Divine Forces Radio on 90.7 KPFK, and a center of Indigenous/Chicano politics, education and spirituality.

Workmens Outlet- one in Hollywood and one in Montebello. Dope.

Basically anything made by Exact Science ClothingI cant even describe how much i love this stuff.

Anyway, here is a sample of what you can get me for my next birthday:

Thats Ghandi on there, in case you cant recognize. 

With so much drama in the LBC, its kind of hard being Snoop D-O Double G.....This (the verse and the picture on the shirt) was Snoop in peak form circa 1993. Notice the Bubonic Chronic.