change of course

Here is an interesting link that the homegirl Amy Walter sent me. Good lookin out

I have some thoughts about this blog. i realize that the last several months, i have mainly used it for posting ruched updates, random things of interest and pictures. Thats all good, but I have been inspired recently (mainly by two friends from the PA) to use this space as what i had originally intended it for-- a space for reflection, sharing and feedback on what God is doing (in me and in the world), my spiritual development, and particularly the ministry that i am involved in.

This will all depend on my own initiative of course. part of my motivation is that i desire more connectedness, more community. i realize that web logs and cyberspace is not true community, but we work with what we have at our disposal in our 'workaday' lives. I have also missed getting meaniful feedback from all you people who visit this blog, which i think i was getting more of back when i was posting more meaningful things from my heart. Rather than posting pictures of the kids, i want to write about them. You know what i mean?

I just returned from a week and a half in Albuquerque. The time was pretty laid back. Home is home, and it can be very comfortable or very frustrating. Now here I am in Pasadena, and i am realizing that i almost never make this transition back in a good healthy way. i feel very disconnected. i feel ( as i often do) that i ran away from God while i was at home, and i do not have the emotional energy or humility to come back to him now. this highlights a deeper theme: Whenever i fall into times of darkness, lonliness or sin patterns, i will isolate myself, wallow in shame and hide-- basically, it is hard form me to accept or believe in God's grace. I believe in it for other people, but not for me. It is hard for me to accept that God is patient with me sometimes, becasue my failures tend to be the same failures that i have always had.

But grace is beautiful. O how beautiful it is. That Our Creator would see us and not be angry, that he would see us without our stains, and would lift us up and keep walking with us, keep blessing us, and giving us good gifts.

I feel like i havent been 'me.' So it is hard to think of getting back into the flow of things with the youth-- to really step up into this new season. i prepared for it and prayed about it when i was home. I am excited about the mentoring relationships. but i think i really need to pray and think about grace.....if it were not for grace, i would not abel to do any of this.