Well, here we are
It has made me glad to read everyone else's posts on their blogs. Mere months ago, I would have read Tina's Blog song and been like 'What?' But now, I feel connected...the warm fuzzy. There is almost a tear ;-p Good looking out.
Last night my family and I went to San Jose de Los Duranes, a little old chapel in one of the historic neighborhoods of Albq. that we live closest to. They actually had the traditional New Mexican Posadas, which I love. I finally got the full Spanish words to the Posada songs---- sorry ya'll NWN folk- I was trying to get them in time for our Posada, but I couldnt. They are actually really cool. Eventually I will post them up.
This was the first year my dad dicided to put luminarias out. Its amazing-- only in New Mexico do the Wal Marts sell massive amounts of discount paper bags and candles in bulk-- soley for making luminarias. We spent a few hours filling them and putting the candles in. It turned out pretty cool.
Today, we went to my grandparents house. My aunt and uncle and cousin are visiting from Ausitn, TX. And my other uncle and aunt (who is pregnant) were there too. It was good to see my cousins- they are both 11, and they remind me that there is some youthfulness in my family still. We watched the Lakers Heat game and then had a grip of posole and tamales and biscochitos (New Mexican sugar/cinnamon cookies) My grandma's posole is bomb....
I have slept a LOT this week. Partly, it is catching up on sleep from the fall, but a lot of it is, I just become very lethargic and unmotivated when i am home. I have not had much good reflection time, or prayer time, which i am irritated about. But isnt it ok? I dont know.
For the last 3 days, my brother, dad and I have watched the Matrix Trilogy for like 8 hours a day. My dad is funny that way, becasue he'll go to bed in the middle of Matrix Revolutions, and then the next morning, we tell him "This is the scene we left off at" But he has no memory of it, so he starts it like 15 scenes back, so we actually watched the bulk of Matrix Revolutions about 3 times in the last 2 days. I have also been playing a lot of Halo II with my brother. It is shocking how lethal he is at this game. I may have tied Ernie for 2nd place in NWN, but Joe is on a whole other level.
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Thursday, December 23, 2004
"rappers always talk about back to the old school....you never should have left in the first place, fool"
So many people want me to come back to New Mexico, settle down, make change, have kids, bring something new.
This place makes me sad every time I come back. It is hard, coming from California-- a place that for me has meant constant change and growth and progress and healing. And then coming back to New Mexico, where I see the same things, the same patterns, the same darkness, slowness, oldness.
I love it, but it is a bittersweet love. I am always confused about this dual-living God has me on, taking me from Cali to Burque and back. Where do I belong, God? Why do i feel like a stranger in the place I grew up in? Why do they not understand me here? Or in Cali, for that matter?
New Mexico has those landscapes that are vast, cold and dark. Hundred mile plains and mesas, dotted with juniper bushes, brown grass and tumbleweed. They strike to your soul, revealing empty places and longings that you have been content to drown out by moving to a crowded, loud, fast, modern place like Los Angeles.
But when I come back, i hear them again. They speak to a place that is older in me than anything I know. In December, Albuquerque is a small city, surrounded by a high desert that is so cold and so dark. I remember going hunting in Corona with my dad one January when the ground was covered in snow and there was no light except for the stars. Looking out with frosty breath, I could feel the place pull on me...the utter silence, the smell of sage in the night. I was scared because I felt like it would never let me go, like it knew me better than i knew myself....that it would see through my ambition, my goals of leaving New Mexico and seeing the world and making my own life for myself. It did see through me. As did the Pecos mountains, the river valleys by Taos, the pueblos along the Rio Grande.
thats why i'm scared to go back even though i love them.
)))
then there are the homies. They are like blood to me, Jay and Anthony. It was always the three of us. Move back, they say.
"We'll start a movement, son--- remember how it was back in high school? B-boys rocking every weekend, graffiti at its peak, all the famous writers getting up, DJs getting out and finding all the dopest shit...We can make that again, bro! Our place will be the spot-- we'll work all day and then come back and it will be all about music-- making beats, listening to all the cool-out shit, throwing jams, perfecting styles, talking for hours about hip hop, music, culture. We'll be unstoppable.."
sometimes i think about what it would be like. It is tempting. But for real though- me and God got thangs to do...
This place makes me sad every time I come back. It is hard, coming from California-- a place that for me has meant constant change and growth and progress and healing. And then coming back to New Mexico, where I see the same things, the same patterns, the same darkness, slowness, oldness.
I love it, but it is a bittersweet love. I am always confused about this dual-living God has me on, taking me from Cali to Burque and back. Where do I belong, God? Why do i feel like a stranger in the place I grew up in? Why do they not understand me here? Or in Cali, for that matter?
New Mexico has those landscapes that are vast, cold and dark. Hundred mile plains and mesas, dotted with juniper bushes, brown grass and tumbleweed. They strike to your soul, revealing empty places and longings that you have been content to drown out by moving to a crowded, loud, fast, modern place like Los Angeles.
But when I come back, i hear them again. They speak to a place that is older in me than anything I know. In December, Albuquerque is a small city, surrounded by a high desert that is so cold and so dark. I remember going hunting in Corona with my dad one January when the ground was covered in snow and there was no light except for the stars. Looking out with frosty breath, I could feel the place pull on me...the utter silence, the smell of sage in the night. I was scared because I felt like it would never let me go, like it knew me better than i knew myself....that it would see through my ambition, my goals of leaving New Mexico and seeing the world and making my own life for myself. It did see through me. As did the Pecos mountains, the river valleys by Taos, the pueblos along the Rio Grande.
thats why i'm scared to go back even though i love them.
)))
then there are the homies. They are like blood to me, Jay and Anthony. It was always the three of us. Move back, they say.
"We'll start a movement, son--- remember how it was back in high school? B-boys rocking every weekend, graffiti at its peak, all the famous writers getting up, DJs getting out and finding all the dopest shit...We can make that again, bro! Our place will be the spot-- we'll work all day and then come back and it will be all about music-- making beats, listening to all the cool-out shit, throwing jams, perfecting styles, talking for hours about hip hop, music, culture. We'll be unstoppable.."
sometimes i think about what it would be like. It is tempting. But for real though- me and God got thangs to do...
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Pa’ arriba y pa’ abajo
Saturday night I went to see my friend Jay and his girlfriend and their new daughter, Zaria Loren, one month old. I’m Uncle Jake now.
I stayed that night at my friend Anthony’s—who is the world’s greatest DJ, beat-miner and record digger. He put me down on all the new samples, beats, hot jointz and what not. We played some Xbox, had some dranky drank and crashed until the next day.
Today I slept in pretty late. It always makes my mom a little irritated, because she loves to get up at the break of dawn and be finished with the day by 1 pm. Joe’s final exams in geometry were today, and i am going to pick him up from school.
I dont have many coherent thoughts right now. I havent had time to reflect much since I’ve been here. It feels very far from my life in California, i feel that.
I’ll write more later. I just wanted to update for ya’ll
I stayed that night at my friend Anthony’s—who is the world’s greatest DJ, beat-miner and record digger. He put me down on all the new samples, beats, hot jointz and what not. We played some Xbox, had some dranky drank and crashed until the next day.
Today I slept in pretty late. It always makes my mom a little irritated, because she loves to get up at the break of dawn and be finished with the day by 1 pm. Joe’s final exams in geometry were today, and i am going to pick him up from school.
I dont have many coherent thoughts right now. I havent had time to reflect much since I’ve been here. It feels very far from my life in California, i feel that.
I’ll write more later. I just wanted to update for ya’ll
Sunday, December 19, 2004
home
i am at home...
i am glad to be here, but there is always something hard about being here, ways that I see myself acting and reacting that are too much of my past. It is always a sad feeling I have here that my life the last 4-5 years in California has become something so different from what my family knows. I still lack the words or the courage or the trust to share it with them..
One thing-
today my brother John was on the internet....he had a webcam, so we could see him as he instant messaged me, my dad and my brother Joseph.
it was hard to see him, becasue he was depressed. We could see him started to cry. I stood behind my dad as he tried to think of what to type to John...as we all tried to not cry.
here is some of what he said...
John says:
what is dad up to is he there
Joseph says:
yeah
John says:
looking
Joseph says:
do you want to tell him something
John says:
ask him how his son looks
John says:
i hate this place dad
Joseph says:
Hey son! Its good to see you.
John says:
i wish i could see you guys
Joseph says:
I know it's tough son, but you have be strong! Stronger than you have ever been in your life. We all are all praying for and thinking of you all the time so take heart.
John says:
i know but its hard
John says:
im giving up so much for this
John says:
and i dont think its worth it
Joseph says:
You do what you have to do son. We are proud of you. We will always be here for you. This time will be over before you know it.
John says:
i know and then just two more years
.......................
John says:
i dont like being part of this war
John says:
the people dont want us here
John says:
i took pictures of the armor that we have to put on the trucks
John says:
it stupid
Joseph says:
How many computers are there? It looks like a lot
John says:
on the pickup humvees, the 2 seeters, there are benches that we have to stack sandbags on and under and put plywood against it, and thats all the gunner has int he back, a foot and a half stack of sandbag and plywood
John says:
the metal that they use for doors is being cut off of dumpsters, rusted old pieces of jaged cut metal
Joseph says:
Nobody wants an occupying force in their country. Remember to represent us well no matter how you are treated you must rise above it.
John says:
not even a 4th of a centimeter thick
John says:
my friends are going to die on that road out there i know it
(*@&(*&@(*&#@(&@(@*#&(*@
We logged off the internet and said goodbye to John. I couldnt look at my dad. It was hard to hold the tears back. Later that afternoon, we went to see a movie, and on the drive there I knew my dad was crying but would not let it all out. I was angry. I was so angry.
I hate this war. I hate this imperialist, arrogant, violent, ignorant, greedy bullshit. It kills me to think of John and his words, his fear, the utter sickening futility of the 'mission' I cant stand the lying, the justifying, the bold-faced lying that is perpetrated on us every day, every day....I hate their words like 'freedom' 'collateral damage' 'homeland security' I get so fucking sick.....
My anger grips me, but it also makes me feel powerless. I feel powerless when I think of what goes on in this world.
God would not have that for me, I know. Not only that, but the powerlessness I feel is becasue i do not fully take hold of the power that Jesus has in the face of evil and oppression. In being small, in prayer, in humble solidarity, servanthood, suffering, sacrifice-- there is Jesus' power.
but it is hard. it is hard to invite God into this raw anger.
Psalm 6
1O LORD , do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Be merciful to me, LORD , for I am faint;
O LORD , heal me, for my bones are in agony.
3 My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD , how long?
4 Turn, O LORD , and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
5 No one remembers you when he is dead.
Who praises you from the grave [b] ?
6 I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
8 Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.
9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
10 All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;
they will turn back in sudden disgrace.
Psalm 9:7-10
7 The LORD reigns forever;
he has established his throne for judgment.
8 He will judge the world in righteousness;
he will govern the peoples with justice.
9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
10 Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, LORD , have never forsaken those who seek you.
Psalm 10
1 [a]Why, O LORD , do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises.
3 He boasts of the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD .
4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
5 His ways are always prosperous;
he is haughty and your laws are far from him;
he sneers at all his enemies.
6 He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me;
I'll always be happy and never have trouble."
7 His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats;
trouble and evil are under his tongue.
8 He lies in wait near the villages;
from ambush he murders the innocent,
watching in secret for his victims.
9 He lies in wait like a lion in cover;
he lies in wait to catch the helpless;
he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.
10 His victims are crushed, they collapse;
they fall under his strength.
11 He says to himself, "God has forgotten;
he covers his face and never sees."
12 Arise, LORD ! Lift up your hand, O God.
Do not forget the helpless.
13 Why does the wicked man revile God?
Why does he say to himself,
"He won't call me to account"?
14 But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in hand.
The victim commits himself to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless.
15 Break the arm of the wicked and evil man;
call him to account for his wickedness
that would not be found out.
16 The LORD is King for ever and ever;
the nations will perish from his land.
17 You hear, O LORD , the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
18 defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more
i am glad to be here, but there is always something hard about being here, ways that I see myself acting and reacting that are too much of my past. It is always a sad feeling I have here that my life the last 4-5 years in California has become something so different from what my family knows. I still lack the words or the courage or the trust to share it with them..
One thing-
today my brother John was on the internet....he had a webcam, so we could see him as he instant messaged me, my dad and my brother Joseph.
it was hard to see him, becasue he was depressed. We could see him started to cry. I stood behind my dad as he tried to think of what to type to John...as we all tried to not cry.
here is some of what he said...
John says:
what is dad up to is he there
Joseph says:
yeah
John says:
looking
Joseph says:
do you want to tell him something
John says:
ask him how his son looks
John says:
i hate this place dad
Joseph says:
Hey son! Its good to see you.
John says:
i wish i could see you guys
Joseph says:
I know it's tough son, but you have be strong! Stronger than you have ever been in your life. We all are all praying for and thinking of you all the time so take heart.
John says:
i know but its hard
John says:
im giving up so much for this
John says:
and i dont think its worth it
Joseph says:
You do what you have to do son. We are proud of you. We will always be here for you. This time will be over before you know it.
John says:
i know and then just two more years
.......................
John says:
i dont like being part of this war
John says:
the people dont want us here
John says:
i took pictures of the armor that we have to put on the trucks
John says:
it stupid
Joseph says:
How many computers are there? It looks like a lot
John says:
on the pickup humvees, the 2 seeters, there are benches that we have to stack sandbags on and under and put plywood against it, and thats all the gunner has int he back, a foot and a half stack of sandbag and plywood
John says:
the metal that they use for doors is being cut off of dumpsters, rusted old pieces of jaged cut metal
Joseph says:
Nobody wants an occupying force in their country. Remember to represent us well no matter how you are treated you must rise above it.
John says:
not even a 4th of a centimeter thick
John says:
my friends are going to die on that road out there i know it
(*@&(*&@(*&#@(&@(@*#&(*@
We logged off the internet and said goodbye to John. I couldnt look at my dad. It was hard to hold the tears back. Later that afternoon, we went to see a movie, and on the drive there I knew my dad was crying but would not let it all out. I was angry. I was so angry.
I hate this war. I hate this imperialist, arrogant, violent, ignorant, greedy bullshit. It kills me to think of John and his words, his fear, the utter sickening futility of the 'mission' I cant stand the lying, the justifying, the bold-faced lying that is perpetrated on us every day, every day....I hate their words like 'freedom' 'collateral damage' 'homeland security' I get so fucking sick.....
My anger grips me, but it also makes me feel powerless. I feel powerless when I think of what goes on in this world.
God would not have that for me, I know. Not only that, but the powerlessness I feel is becasue i do not fully take hold of the power that Jesus has in the face of evil and oppression. In being small, in prayer, in humble solidarity, servanthood, suffering, sacrifice-- there is Jesus' power.
but it is hard. it is hard to invite God into this raw anger.
Psalm 6
1O LORD , do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Be merciful to me, LORD , for I am faint;
O LORD , heal me, for my bones are in agony.
3 My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD , how long?
4 Turn, O LORD , and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
5 No one remembers you when he is dead.
Who praises you from the grave [b] ?
6 I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
8 Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.
9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
10 All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;
they will turn back in sudden disgrace.
Psalm 9:7-10
7 The LORD reigns forever;
he has established his throne for judgment.
8 He will judge the world in righteousness;
he will govern the peoples with justice.
9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
10 Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, LORD , have never forsaken those who seek you.
Psalm 10
1 [a]Why, O LORD , do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises.
3 He boasts of the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD .
4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
5 His ways are always prosperous;
he is haughty and your laws are far from him;
he sneers at all his enemies.
6 He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me;
I'll always be happy and never have trouble."
7 His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats;
trouble and evil are under his tongue.
8 He lies in wait near the villages;
from ambush he murders the innocent,
watching in secret for his victims.
9 He lies in wait like a lion in cover;
he lies in wait to catch the helpless;
he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.
10 His victims are crushed, they collapse;
they fall under his strength.
11 He says to himself, "God has forgotten;
he covers his face and never sees."
12 Arise, LORD ! Lift up your hand, O God.
Do not forget the helpless.
13 Why does the wicked man revile God?
Why does he say to himself,
"He won't call me to account"?
14 But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in hand.
The victim commits himself to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless.
15 Break the arm of the wicked and evil man;
call him to account for his wickedness
that would not be found out.
16 The LORD is King for ever and ever;
the nations will perish from his land.
17 You hear, O LORD , the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
18 defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more
Friday, December 17, 2004
suficiente para la mente
i just came back from work, it took me a damn hour to drive back from South LA. The freeway was backed up so i took this random route through downtown and Lincoln Heights. I love driving through the city, but i wish it wasnt becasue traffic is caca and I am so exhausted from the day. It was a hectic but fun day. We had our end of the semester holiday party in Ms. Moore's class. Some more of the kids brought me gifts. We did a lot of decorating Christmas projects, and reading final drafts of published stories. It was cool to hear from the kids that they wil miss me for these next two weeks. I will miss them too.
Last night I had the chance to visit with David Dilworth, my homeboy from Pomona. He was out here in the 626, and we were able to catch up and speak into each others lives. It is always so encouraging when I can really share my spiritual life with the peoplw who knew me well through the thick of it. I am grateful to God that he has kept up our friendship and continued to make it a blessing to me. Thanks David, if you're reading this.
i realized i never blogged about the Posada the other night---- it was a really great time. Like Jason said, it was a curious amalgam of cultural things, but the kids really liked it, and had fun. I always love when all the youth and kids are together. It was cool having some of the newer kids from the Reading program there. It was a really fun and peaceful time....I felt like it was a good way to close the semester. When we sat in Larry's backyard on piles of straw and he talked about Jesus the humble king, it was such a warm and afirming time.....It was a reminder that there is something good to believe in, that God loves the youth in this city so much, and that he has been faithful to them and to me, that i can say that I have a home and a family here only a few months after leaving college. There was a lot of hope visible for me that night.
When all this Posada business started, it had immediately reminded me of New Mexico. I knew the word posada and I knew it was a deep and particular part of New Mexico culture. But I had never seen one. I had been feeling kind of ashamed whenever people would mention Posada, because I knew that i should have expereince with it, but i dont.---only from afar. In New Mexico, the Posada is an old tradition, much like the Mexican posada, except some of the songs might be different, and in New Mexico during the holidays the most distinctive thing you can see are the luminarias, or farolitos, which are paper bags filled with sand and a small candle.... they burn through the night with a warm deep yellow glow, marking the way for the Posada. If you go to Albuquerque, Santa Fe or Taos, everyone puts up luminarias, and it is a New Mexico tradition to take your family out to the Plaza in Old Town or the neighborhoods and just take in the sight. Ad to that the ristras of green chile, the posole, the adobe houses, tamales.......
in mere hours, i will be going home. I am so eager to rest....aaaahhh!! I have work to do, though. I need to make bible studies for the next term for NWN, I have to get my college loans deferred, I have to get my finances in order, finish off my findraising for Servant Partners, look for full time jobs for after the spring, hang out with friends and family.....
oh well...
i will also blog. It will be a good time to reflect on what God has been doign the last 5 months.
Last night I had the chance to visit with David Dilworth, my homeboy from Pomona. He was out here in the 626, and we were able to catch up and speak into each others lives. It is always so encouraging when I can really share my spiritual life with the peoplw who knew me well through the thick of it. I am grateful to God that he has kept up our friendship and continued to make it a blessing to me. Thanks David, if you're reading this.
i realized i never blogged about the Posada the other night---- it was a really great time. Like Jason said, it was a curious amalgam of cultural things, but the kids really liked it, and had fun. I always love when all the youth and kids are together. It was cool having some of the newer kids from the Reading program there. It was a really fun and peaceful time....I felt like it was a good way to close the semester. When we sat in Larry's backyard on piles of straw and he talked about Jesus the humble king, it was such a warm and afirming time.....It was a reminder that there is something good to believe in, that God loves the youth in this city so much, and that he has been faithful to them and to me, that i can say that I have a home and a family here only a few months after leaving college. There was a lot of hope visible for me that night.
When all this Posada business started, it had immediately reminded me of New Mexico. I knew the word posada and I knew it was a deep and particular part of New Mexico culture. But I had never seen one. I had been feeling kind of ashamed whenever people would mention Posada, because I knew that i should have expereince with it, but i dont.---only from afar. In New Mexico, the Posada is an old tradition, much like the Mexican posada, except some of the songs might be different, and in New Mexico during the holidays the most distinctive thing you can see are the luminarias, or farolitos, which are paper bags filled with sand and a small candle.... they burn through the night with a warm deep yellow glow, marking the way for the Posada. If you go to Albuquerque, Santa Fe or Taos, everyone puts up luminarias, and it is a New Mexico tradition to take your family out to the Plaza in Old Town or the neighborhoods and just take in the sight. Ad to that the ristras of green chile, the posole, the adobe houses, tamales.......
in mere hours, i will be going home. I am so eager to rest....aaaahhh!! I have work to do, though. I need to make bible studies for the next term for NWN, I have to get my college loans deferred, I have to get my finances in order, finish off my findraising for Servant Partners, look for full time jobs for after the spring, hang out with friends and family.....
oh well...
i will also blog. It will be a good time to reflect on what God has been doign the last 5 months.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
"every ghetto, every city and suburban place I've been, make me recall my days in the New Jerusalem..."
Brothers and sisters, when you pray for God to show you what he is doing and to go before you into a place, he answers the prayer
Today was one of those days at work that made me love what I do....one of those days where every little piece comes together to make you believe that God is good.
First of all, all the copiers finally worked in the teacher's breakroom, so I was able to print out the homework for my class for two weeks in advance. I was cruisin.
Parent conferences had been the night before, and I heard they went well. We had spent all of Wednesday and Tuesday preparing the room and getting the kids to finish all the projects they needed to have done to show their parents for conferences. It is always the most stressful time of the year. But today we had finished and so we got to have some fun. Ms. Moor (the teacher I work with) read the Polar Express to our class and another 2nd grade class. Then we started a project where we wrote letters to Santa and short stories about our own imaginary trips to the North Pole-- complete with little train cut outs and sponge painting of night skies with stars....
Here was where it hit me today.
The whole class was busily working on their project, everyone staying on task--some busily writing, others painting, some asking for help on spelling....
I was walking around the desks, checking in on whoever needed help. I was standing up by the dry erase board when Maria, one of my favorite students in the class, came up to me for some help on spelling. She tapped my arm and looked up at me, in her characteristic way, bending her neck all the way back as if I was a hundred feel tall. She said, "Mr Vigil, how do you spell 'believe' ?" I said "here, I'll show you..." and I grabbed a dry erase marker- usually, Ms. Moore and I will write words on the board when students ask us how to spell them, so we can sound them out as we write, and so that they can see what the written word looks like. I took the orange marker in my hand, and put it to the white board....the ink form the felt tip came out in thick broad strokes as a formed a 'b' then the 'e'......And then it hit me. It was some kind of beauty and inspiration at work because I suddenly became consciuous of what I was doing...
'Believe'
Believe. My hand slowed down as I got to the middle of the word. I stopped and stared at it.
'Believe'
Yes, God. I am writing 'Believe' on the white board of Ms. Moore's 2nd grade class at the Accelerated School in South L.A.
What did it mean to me? I smiled as I thought about it. I thought, 'Yeah, believe. This is right. This is the writing on the wall. This is the writing that God has for me each day.' I prayed that morning'God, show me how you are in this place.' Of course he is, but the simplicity of that action on the white board just hit me.
Am I someone that can see and understand when God writes 'Believe' in front of my eyes?
What am I to believe?
I believe in God for those children, for Walden School's children, for the youth of NWN. I live here because something in me has answered God's call to beleive in another future for his son's and daughters on the city. It is right that I should write 'believe.' It is right that I should be reminded--but not only be reminded-- I should be one who helps to open up eyes and minds and hearts to that earnest plea: "Believe!" Look around you! Look at this city, this beautiful sun, the people you work with, how much they love and serve their classes....Look at Ms. Moore, who unyeildingly and relentlessly teaches and serves and provides and uplifts these children. Look at the skills God has given you! Look at the places he has put you, the things he has allowed you to be a part of! Look at the hope that is springing up for this city right under your nose...in the everyday gritty education of 7 and 8 year olds. In the every day fights, arguments, reprimands, encouragements, injuries, insults, soothing words, laughter, friendships.......The hope...
Look at the relationships among the youth in your neighborhood! Look at how they are entering a kingdom that is not of this world....and how community is born and grows. Look at these people who make a time and a place for teenagers to learn, love, seek and find in Northwest Pasadena.....
What reason have I not to believe?
It is good.
There is a book in our classroom called 'America is her name' It was written by Luis Rodriguez, a social activist and ex gang member from LA. He wrote this story about a Mixteca Indian girl whose family lives in poverty in iner-city Chicago. She wants to be a poet. She wants to use her words, Spanish and Mixtec...to create a more beautiful world than the one she walks through every day to get to school. Her teachers and family do not all appreciate her love for poetry and language, as they are struggling to survive a harsh reality.
But in the end, her family finds her voice. She got an A on a paper, and her family saw that it was not all a waste of time.
I love that. I love it becasue it speaks to my displacement. It speaks to the redemption of a people in a land not their own. Soon I will go back to New Mexico. There, I hear a different language than I do here. There, I can walk along the Rio Grande, and look across the mesa... Navajo hunters once rode there, they provided for their families, and told their stories to their children there....
I am in LA now. So are many families from the heartland of their ancestors--- Michoacan, Oaxaca, Geurrero, Guatemala, El Salvador..... How is it that they arrived here? What did they find? How did God meet them?
I seek to know these answers for myself, too.
But tomorrow,when I roll past the Azteca Carnicerias and the Taquerias, when I hear the beautiful accents of the kids at TAS, or hang out with George or Juan or Frankie in my apartment......I will believe.
Today was one of those days at work that made me love what I do....one of those days where every little piece comes together to make you believe that God is good.
First of all, all the copiers finally worked in the teacher's breakroom, so I was able to print out the homework for my class for two weeks in advance. I was cruisin.
Parent conferences had been the night before, and I heard they went well. We had spent all of Wednesday and Tuesday preparing the room and getting the kids to finish all the projects they needed to have done to show their parents for conferences. It is always the most stressful time of the year. But today we had finished and so we got to have some fun. Ms. Moor (the teacher I work with) read the Polar Express to our class and another 2nd grade class. Then we started a project where we wrote letters to Santa and short stories about our own imaginary trips to the North Pole-- complete with little train cut outs and sponge painting of night skies with stars....
Here was where it hit me today.
The whole class was busily working on their project, everyone staying on task--some busily writing, others painting, some asking for help on spelling....
I was walking around the desks, checking in on whoever needed help. I was standing up by the dry erase board when Maria, one of my favorite students in the class, came up to me for some help on spelling. She tapped my arm and looked up at me, in her characteristic way, bending her neck all the way back as if I was a hundred feel tall. She said, "Mr Vigil, how do you spell 'believe' ?" I said "here, I'll show you..." and I grabbed a dry erase marker- usually, Ms. Moore and I will write words on the board when students ask us how to spell them, so we can sound them out as we write, and so that they can see what the written word looks like. I took the orange marker in my hand, and put it to the white board....the ink form the felt tip came out in thick broad strokes as a formed a 'b' then the 'e'......And then it hit me. It was some kind of beauty and inspiration at work because I suddenly became consciuous of what I was doing...
'Believe'
Believe. My hand slowed down as I got to the middle of the word. I stopped and stared at it.
'Believe'
Yes, God. I am writing 'Believe' on the white board of Ms. Moore's 2nd grade class at the Accelerated School in South L.A.
What did it mean to me? I smiled as I thought about it. I thought, 'Yeah, believe. This is right. This is the writing on the wall. This is the writing that God has for me each day.' I prayed that morning'God, show me how you are in this place.' Of course he is, but the simplicity of that action on the white board just hit me.
Am I someone that can see and understand when God writes 'Believe' in front of my eyes?
What am I to believe?
I believe in God for those children, for Walden School's children, for the youth of NWN. I live here because something in me has answered God's call to beleive in another future for his son's and daughters on the city. It is right that I should write 'believe.' It is right that I should be reminded--but not only be reminded-- I should be one who helps to open up eyes and minds and hearts to that earnest plea: "Believe!" Look around you! Look at this city, this beautiful sun, the people you work with, how much they love and serve their classes....Look at Ms. Moore, who unyeildingly and relentlessly teaches and serves and provides and uplifts these children. Look at the skills God has given you! Look at the places he has put you, the things he has allowed you to be a part of! Look at the hope that is springing up for this city right under your nose...in the everyday gritty education of 7 and 8 year olds. In the every day fights, arguments, reprimands, encouragements, injuries, insults, soothing words, laughter, friendships.......The hope...
Look at the relationships among the youth in your neighborhood! Look at how they are entering a kingdom that is not of this world....and how community is born and grows. Look at these people who make a time and a place for teenagers to learn, love, seek and find in Northwest Pasadena.....
What reason have I not to believe?
It is good.
There is a book in our classroom called 'America is her name' It was written by Luis Rodriguez, a social activist and ex gang member from LA. He wrote this story about a Mixteca Indian girl whose family lives in poverty in iner-city Chicago. She wants to be a poet. She wants to use her words, Spanish and Mixtec...to create a more beautiful world than the one she walks through every day to get to school. Her teachers and family do not all appreciate her love for poetry and language, as they are struggling to survive a harsh reality.
But in the end, her family finds her voice. She got an A on a paper, and her family saw that it was not all a waste of time.
I love that. I love it becasue it speaks to my displacement. It speaks to the redemption of a people in a land not their own. Soon I will go back to New Mexico. There, I hear a different language than I do here. There, I can walk along the Rio Grande, and look across the mesa... Navajo hunters once rode there, they provided for their families, and told their stories to their children there....
I am in LA now. So are many families from the heartland of their ancestors--- Michoacan, Oaxaca, Geurrero, Guatemala, El Salvador..... How is it that they arrived here? What did they find? How did God meet them?
I seek to know these answers for myself, too.
But tomorrow,when I roll past the Azteca Carnicerias and the Taquerias, when I hear the beautiful accents of the kids at TAS, or hang out with George or Juan or Frankie in my apartment......I will believe.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
peace in the Middle East
last night my brother John called me from Kuwait. He is doing well. He wishes it felt more like Christmas. I was glad to hear from him, especially since he sounded like he is doing ok, and things have been pretty chill-he has had work detail in an internet cafe.
I will go home in a few days. Home will not be the same without John, but I am hoping that I can get deeper in my relationships with my parents and especially my brother Joe, who is 14 and really thirsting for guidance and companionship and affirmation, especially from an older brother figure. Him and I have always been really close
Today at work, we began making report cards and preparing for parent conferences. THe school is also having a book fair, which brings back a lot of memories. I just felt really fulfilled and useful and happy at The Accelerated School today. I love it there.
Interestingly enough, things have also been much better at the Walden School. I dont know if things have changed that much externally, but I think my atitude has changed a little. I have tried to take initiative in relating to the kids on a more meaningful level. Before, I was hesitant, becasue they did not come off as warm or affectionate as most kids I am used to working with in urban and mostly black and latino schools. But the last week or so, it has becoem evident that I actually have gained some trust with them....
I havent seen the youth in our neighborhood that much recently. I miss them. I am looking forward to the Posada tomorrow.
I will go home in a few days. Home will not be the same without John, but I am hoping that I can get deeper in my relationships with my parents and especially my brother Joe, who is 14 and really thirsting for guidance and companionship and affirmation, especially from an older brother figure. Him and I have always been really close
Today at work, we began making report cards and preparing for parent conferences. THe school is also having a book fair, which brings back a lot of memories. I just felt really fulfilled and useful and happy at The Accelerated School today. I love it there.
Interestingly enough, things have also been much better at the Walden School. I dont know if things have changed that much externally, but I think my atitude has changed a little. I have tried to take initiative in relating to the kids on a more meaningful level. Before, I was hesitant, becasue they did not come off as warm or affectionate as most kids I am used to working with in urban and mostly black and latino schools. But the last week or so, it has becoem evident that I actually have gained some trust with them....
I havent seen the youth in our neighborhood that much recently. I miss them. I am looking forward to the Posada tomorrow.
Monday, December 13, 2004
please visit www.northwestneighbors.org for those of you who are not from the community. Through the leaders' Blog links you will get an idea of what we are like and what our lives are like.
Personally, I think the SP people should have Blogs too. I dont know which of you read this on a regular basis ( i hope all of you do ;-) but I think you all need to get on the online journal bandwagon
anyway....
Personally, I think the SP people should have Blogs too. I dont know which of you read this on a regular basis ( i hope all of you do ;-) but I think you all need to get on the online journal bandwagon
anyway....
Sunday, December 12, 2004
a poem i wrote, God talking
carry me in your bones my son
you are yet far...
go away from this wasted land, theatre of the dead,
their unreal dancing
contagious to your heart.
keep me in the curves of your fists, son
so your fight will heal you.
name yourself Hero, make
a fire for your flesh
build quiet altars for
loving me.
I am your blood,
your forgotten song
I walked over mountains to rescue you
the light and the shadows on the curves of your face,
I painted them there
keep me, my son!
I wrote your life
for a thousand years before you.
I carried your child's voice
in my ear
every time
every time
you are yet far...
go away from this wasted land, theatre of the dead,
their unreal dancing
contagious to your heart.
keep me in the curves of your fists, son
so your fight will heal you.
name yourself Hero, make
a fire for your flesh
build quiet altars for
loving me.
I am your blood,
your forgotten song
I walked over mountains to rescue you
the light and the shadows on the curves of your face,
I painted them there
keep me, my son!
I wrote your life
for a thousand years before you.
I carried your child's voice
in my ear
every time
every time
the old and the new
I just came back from a weekend long Luke manuscript study dig in with Servant Partners. This weekend was so important. It was refreshing, fun, convicting, hard, fulfilling, mind-expanding,.... I really really love these dig in's i have decided....God has spoken to me through the word in community in incredible ways druing these times. I feel so full and satisfied and energized right now...
God was telling me, among other things, that I should stay at Walden School. Behind this is the deeper issue: Like Simon the fisherman, will I refrain from making decisions based on what I know/want/will make me comfortable? This is something we say all the time, but Lord it is hard. It is hard for me to not take a job opportunity that I am being so freely and generously offered. It is hard for me to choose to stay in a place where my gifts (as I see them) are not needed/actualized, where I am not respected, as 'ministry of insignificance,' to name a major theme of our time in Luke so far. It is hard for me to decide to serve and committ to a group of people and an institution whose values, personalities, agendas are so oppositional to my own and uncomfortable for me to work within and among.
I want God's will to be done in my life, but so rarely do I choose against my will and into something that God might be saying to me in subtle ways. Not that God would always have the hardest thing for us. But can I say that I follow Him if i never choose the illogical, the obscure, the insignificant, the inefficient, the uncomfortable?
There was so so much God taught me this weekend. Praise Him. I saw our SP community grow so much and take major steps toward becoming a deeper, more vunerabel one....I just have a deep love for all of you guys, and it is so clear that this community is an answerto prayers I prayed back in college. He has been faithful, and I know he will take us together into beautiful things....
God was telling me, among other things, that I should stay at Walden School. Behind this is the deeper issue: Like Simon the fisherman, will I refrain from making decisions based on what I know/want/will make me comfortable? This is something we say all the time, but Lord it is hard. It is hard for me to not take a job opportunity that I am being so freely and generously offered. It is hard for me to choose to stay in a place where my gifts (as I see them) are not needed/actualized, where I am not respected, as 'ministry of insignificance,' to name a major theme of our time in Luke so far. It is hard for me to decide to serve and committ to a group of people and an institution whose values, personalities, agendas are so oppositional to my own and uncomfortable for me to work within and among.
I want God's will to be done in my life, but so rarely do I choose against my will and into something that God might be saying to me in subtle ways. Not that God would always have the hardest thing for us. But can I say that I follow Him if i never choose the illogical, the obscure, the insignificant, the inefficient, the uncomfortable?
There was so so much God taught me this weekend. Praise Him. I saw our SP community grow so much and take major steps toward becoming a deeper, more vunerabel one....I just have a deep love for all of you guys, and it is so clear that this community is an answerto prayers I prayed back in college. He has been faithful, and I know he will take us together into beautiful things....
Thursday, December 09, 2004
"but some days I sit and wish....."
daaaaam
All I can say is, today was one of those "I earned my paycheck" days. No joke. It was stress all day...
Really though.....Recently I have been kind of asking God--- why is working with kids (listening to them, mediating, managing, organizing, supervising) one of my gifts/skills? Sometimes I wish I was good at something else :-P
But I prayed about it....becasue it got kind of intense for me today...coming back from work I just feel spent, I feel like I have no emotional energy left, like I am just an authoritarian...like I have failed in loving them as much as i could have. I prayed, and started to cry, just from the sheer relief and weight of the day washing over me.
And God spoke. he said,
"Jacob, you DO love those kids! You care about them and the details of their lives more than many others. I have given these gifts to you. I am teaching you while you are at work and in your neighborhood, relating to kids and youth. Your gift are an expression of my love in the world. Do not be afraid...."
word up
tomorrow, another day
All I can say is, today was one of those "I earned my paycheck" days. No joke. It was stress all day...
Really though.....Recently I have been kind of asking God--- why is working with kids (listening to them, mediating, managing, organizing, supervising) one of my gifts/skills? Sometimes I wish I was good at something else :-P
But I prayed about it....becasue it got kind of intense for me today...coming back from work I just feel spent, I feel like I have no emotional energy left, like I am just an authoritarian...like I have failed in loving them as much as i could have. I prayed, and started to cry, just from the sheer relief and weight of the day washing over me.
And God spoke. he said,
"Jacob, you DO love those kids! You care about them and the details of their lives more than many others. I have given these gifts to you. I am teaching you while you are at work and in your neighborhood, relating to kids and youth. Your gift are an expression of my love in the world. Do not be afraid...."
word up
tomorrow, another day
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
morning notes
On the drive to LA this morning, I put on Brother Ali's first album, "Rites of Passage"--- Brother Ali is an underground MC from Minneapolis' Rhymesayers Crew. This is an amazing album.....I got out of the car and for the first time in a long time i had that 'i love hip hop' warm and fuzzy feeling inside. I coudl feel my faith in hip hop culture being renewed. So positive, so positive.
Tonight we have high school bible study....i am really looking forward to it....
Gotta go to work now.
Tonight we have high school bible study....i am really looking forward to it....
Gotta go to work now.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
I got more lines than a fake Adidas sneaker
last spring i asked myself, what do i value, what makes my heart come alive. it was a helpful thing to do...affirming the way God made me.....i thought i'd share a few
seeing families together, loving each other, talking, being there for each other
seeing a child learn something new
seeing a child who is excited about someone, something or some idea
seeing humble people listen and serve
music!
seeing children love one another
laughing and joking
seeing wisdom in a friend, a parent, a grandparent or old person
hearing people pray and praise God
Seeing people happy and proud about something they created
good weather
acting a fool
barbecues in the park with neighbors and family
hugs
seeing people cry tears of joy
seeing people with hope an passion in the midst of oppressive situations
being encouraged and complimented
good food
people who do not seek recognition for their talents or appearacne or posessions
people speaking Spanish
my grandparents
chilling with Scooter
chilling with my brother Joe
making fun of myself
playing basketball or football outdoors with people i love
NEW MEXICO
making people laugh
mountains, deserts, rivers, mesas, forests
justice
unlikely people coming together
thinking about Zion
riding a bike downhill
a good book
hip hop
seeing a child trust in God , make a mature decision, be articulate
Talking to my brother John
my grandma Vigil
my family history
comforting people who mourn
good teaching
seeing families together, loving each other, talking, being there for each other
seeing a child learn something new
seeing a child who is excited about someone, something or some idea
seeing humble people listen and serve
music!
seeing children love one another
laughing and joking
seeing wisdom in a friend, a parent, a grandparent or old person
hearing people pray and praise God
Seeing people happy and proud about something they created
good weather
acting a fool
barbecues in the park with neighbors and family
hugs
seeing people cry tears of joy
seeing people with hope an passion in the midst of oppressive situations
being encouraged and complimented
good food
people who do not seek recognition for their talents or appearacne or posessions
people speaking Spanish
my grandparents
chilling with Scooter
chilling with my brother Joe
making fun of myself
playing basketball or football outdoors with people i love
NEW MEXICO
making people laugh
mountains, deserts, rivers, mesas, forests
justice
unlikely people coming together
thinking about Zion
riding a bike downhill
a good book
hip hop
seeing a child trust in God , make a mature decision, be articulate
Talking to my brother John
my grandma Vigil
my family history
comforting people who mourn
good teaching
take me out to Thug Mansion
Miles Davis is floating out of the stereo speakers right now. Its been a long day....a rich day. I love hanging out at the guys house on 65th. I love driving to work in the morning through the city. I love the Accelerated School, and walking with my coffee across King St. and through the crowds of kids and families gathered in the courtyard eating breakfast , waiting for the bell to ring. I love being greeted by Maria, Moises, Adriana, Guillermo....the kids in my class as I walk up the stairs. I love going to the copy room to copy the week's homework, and having a conversation with the other classroom aides about college, food, justice, the kids in our classes, language.....
I learned today that the mother of a boy named Luis in my class is illiterate. This woman is in her late 40's and she cannot read in either Spanish or English. It made me think about the children at my other job, whose parents are professors at USC, or scientists at JPL.. What, then, is the meaning of education? What is God doing here? Why am I in both of these places? Think about the challenges that Luis will face in getting an education, in growing up well adjusted in a city that is not well adjusted.
there is a lot to consider
I was offered a job as a sunstitute teacher for the Alhambra Unified School District. I am not sure I will take it. It is an on-call position, and I would not really take advantage of it until next fall, it at all. I am also close to getting a part time job with the Pasadena Unified School District-- their after school program at Edison Elementary. I will have to decide whether I will really leave the Walden School
The more I work in places and with people who are rich, the more i see that injustice leaves both sides in bondage and brokenness.
I learned today that the mother of a boy named Luis in my class is illiterate. This woman is in her late 40's and she cannot read in either Spanish or English. It made me think about the children at my other job, whose parents are professors at USC, or scientists at JPL.. What, then, is the meaning of education? What is God doing here? Why am I in both of these places? Think about the challenges that Luis will face in getting an education, in growing up well adjusted in a city that is not well adjusted.
there is a lot to consider
I was offered a job as a sunstitute teacher for the Alhambra Unified School District. I am not sure I will take it. It is an on-call position, and I would not really take advantage of it until next fall, it at all. I am also close to getting a part time job with the Pasadena Unified School District-- their after school program at Edison Elementary. I will have to decide whether I will really leave the Walden School
The more I work in places and with people who are rich, the more i see that injustice leaves both sides in bondage and brokenness.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
we finally got a working computer back in our apartment. this means i will be blogging a lot more often, i guess. ya'll better recognize and keep faithfully reading my posts.
last night was Justice or Just Us....a good talk bythe brother from Malawi....I had just come down with a cold the day before, so I was struggling with dry eyes, runny nose and tiredness..
anyway, what had happened was...
afterward a grip of the SP homies came over to the house on Kenwood to watchthe DVD Elf....funny movie. I had a lot of fun, which included mooching food off the girls :-)
pero....
this has been a tiring week, but rich. A lot of affirmation and challenges at work. Some really good times with friends in the midst of it. The people in my NWN/Sp community this week really got me through. On tuesday, my brother called from Kuwait at 6 am. He flew to Maine, to Iceland, to Romania, then to Kuwait..must have beeninteresting. so far, it looks like he is doing alright. he said it was cold there.
last night was Justice or Just Us....a good talk bythe brother from Malawi....I had just come down with a cold the day before, so I was struggling with dry eyes, runny nose and tiredness..
anyway, what had happened was...
afterward a grip of the SP homies came over to the house on Kenwood to watchthe DVD Elf....funny movie. I had a lot of fun, which included mooching food off the girls :-)
pero....
this has been a tiring week, but rich. A lot of affirmation and challenges at work. Some really good times with friends in the midst of it. The people in my NWN/Sp community this week really got me through. On tuesday, my brother called from Kuwait at 6 am. He flew to Maine, to Iceland, to Romania, then to Kuwait..must have beeninteresting. so far, it looks like he is doing alright. he said it was cold there.
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