home

i am at home...
i am glad to be here, but there is always something hard about being here, ways that I see myself acting and reacting that are too much of my past. It is always a sad feeling I have here that my life the last 4-5 years in California has become something so different from what my family knows. I still lack the words or the courage or the trust to share it with them..

One thing-

today my brother John was on the internet....he had a webcam, so we could see him as he instant messaged me, my dad and my brother Joseph.
it was hard to see him, becasue he was depressed. We could see him started to cry. I stood behind my dad as he tried to think of what to type to John...as we all tried to not cry.
here is some of what he said...

John says:
what is dad up to is he there
Joseph says:
yeah
John says:
looking
Joseph says:
do you want to tell him something
John says:
ask him how his son looks
John says:
i hate this place dad
Joseph says:
Hey son! Its good to see you.
John says:
i wish i could see you guys
Joseph says:
I know it's tough son, but you have be strong! Stronger than you have ever been in your life. We all are all praying for and thinking of you all the time so take heart.
John says:
i know but its hard
John says:
im giving up so much for this
John says:
and i dont think its worth it
Joseph says:
You do what you have to do son. We are proud of you. We will always be here for you. This time will be over before you know it.
John says:
i know and then just two more years
.......................
John says:
i dont like being part of this war
John says:
the people dont want us here
John says:
i took pictures of the armor that we have to put on the trucks
John says:
it stupid
Joseph says:
How many computers are there? It looks like a lot
John says:
on the pickup humvees, the 2 seeters, there are benches that we have to stack sandbags on and under and put plywood against it, and thats all the gunner has int he back, a foot and a half stack of sandbag and plywood
John says:
the metal that they use for doors is being cut off of dumpsters, rusted old pieces of jaged cut metal
Joseph says:
Nobody wants an occupying force in their country. Remember to represent us well no matter how you are treated you must rise above it.
John says:
not even a 4th of a centimeter thick
John says:
my friends are going to die on that road out there i know it


(*@&(*&@(*&#@(&@(@*#&(*@

We logged off the internet and said goodbye to John. I couldnt look at my dad. It was hard to hold the tears back. Later that afternoon, we went to see a movie, and on the drive there I knew my dad was crying but would not let it all out. I was angry. I was so angry.
I hate this war. I hate this imperialist, arrogant, violent, ignorant, greedy bullshit. It kills me to think of John and his words, his fear, the utter sickening futility of the 'mission' I cant stand the lying, the justifying, the bold-faced lying that is perpetrated on us every day, every day....I hate their words like 'freedom' 'collateral damage' 'homeland security' I get so fucking sick.....
My anger grips me, but it also makes me feel powerless. I feel powerless when I think of what goes on in this world.
God would not have that for me, I know. Not only that, but the powerlessness I feel is becasue i do not fully take hold of the power that Jesus has in the face of evil and oppression. In being small, in prayer, in humble solidarity, servanthood, suffering, sacrifice-- there is Jesus' power.

but it is hard. it is hard to invite God into this raw anger.


Psalm 6

1O LORD , do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Be merciful to me, LORD , for I am faint;
O LORD , heal me, for my bones are in agony.
3 My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD , how long?
4 Turn, O LORD , and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
5 No one remembers you when he is dead.
Who praises you from the grave [b] ?
6 I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
8 Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.
9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
10 All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;
they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

Psalm 9:7-10

7 The LORD reigns forever;
he has established his throne for judgment.
8 He will judge the world in righteousness;
he will govern the peoples with justice.
9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
10 Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, LORD , have never forsaken those who seek you.

Psalm 10

1 [a]Why, O LORD , do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises.
3 He boasts of the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD .
4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
5 His ways are always prosperous;
he is haughty and your laws are far from him;
he sneers at all his enemies.
6 He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me;
I'll always be happy and never have trouble."
7 His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats;
trouble and evil are under his tongue.
8 He lies in wait near the villages;
from ambush he murders the innocent,
watching in secret for his victims.
9 He lies in wait like a lion in cover;
he lies in wait to catch the helpless;
he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.
10 His victims are crushed, they collapse;
they fall under his strength.
11 He says to himself, "God has forgotten;
he covers his face and never sees."
12 Arise, LORD ! Lift up your hand, O God.
Do not forget the helpless.
13 Why does the wicked man revile God?
Why does he say to himself,
"He won't call me to account"?
14 But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in hand.
The victim commits himself to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless.
15 Break the arm of the wicked and evil man;
call him to account for his wickedness
that would not be found out.
16 The LORD is King for ever and ever;
the nations will perish from his land.
17 You hear, O LORD , the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
18 defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more