Many things have compelled me to come back to this blog and begin writing again. I am not sure if people have given up on ever seeing me here again, but I hope to resurrect this space as a forum for my reflections, writing forays, and observations from a life in retreat and sabbath.
there will be more to come
Monday, November 13, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
i am revived by the stirring of many aphids marching across
the face of a lone leaf
they tentatively move along the side
like lovers passing by deserted bedrooms
offering themselves to
nowhere all
at once.
this is my course
the path i was never meant to discover
or even think
think
of those times
in which my heart held its collection of immense fears
and mediocre satisfactions
by the minute, by the hour
grazing away at each person's life
i once loved
i am you, also
i am that strange seed
that beckoning darkness floating among uprooted
flowers in a lake
the insects arrange themselves in
such a way
as not to drown, or seem over-zealous
in their appetite.
I will pluck strings of ancient riddles and laughter
and feel with discomfort the touch of your breath
on my back
telling me
don’t ever ever leave me…
one green creature,
nothing more than a punctuation mark
in an ecosystem of mythic size
touched his feet out onto the water
ready to leave the leaf
but held in a deadly vice
by the quivering tension of the water
around each leg.
I am not that bug
I am not the one whom water and
The microscopic imperfections of biology
Hold fast from acting, from getting my food
That future’s prize for me is the fruit
Of freedom
Freedom to move and not be blown aside
Or swallowed up
Or forgotten by one’s comrades.
the face of a lone leaf
they tentatively move along the side
like lovers passing by deserted bedrooms
offering themselves to
nowhere all
at once.
this is my course
the path i was never meant to discover
or even think
think
of those times
in which my heart held its collection of immense fears
and mediocre satisfactions
by the minute, by the hour
grazing away at each person's life
i once loved
i am you, also
i am that strange seed
that beckoning darkness floating among uprooted
flowers in a lake
the insects arrange themselves in
such a way
as not to drown, or seem over-zealous
in their appetite.
I will pluck strings of ancient riddles and laughter
and feel with discomfort the touch of your breath
on my back
telling me
don’t ever ever leave me…
one green creature,
nothing more than a punctuation mark
in an ecosystem of mythic size
touched his feet out onto the water
ready to leave the leaf
but held in a deadly vice
by the quivering tension of the water
around each leg.
I am not that bug
I am not the one whom water and
The microscopic imperfections of biology
Hold fast from acting, from getting my food
That future’s prize for me is the fruit
Of freedom
Freedom to move and not be blown aside
Or swallowed up
Or forgotten by one’s comrades.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Current
i have not been posting a lot recently. i think that it has been harder for me to make sense of my life, as my life has become more and more scheduled, compartmentalized.
I heard a beautiful song this morning. Damien Jurado, "Medication" . It was about a man who is trying to balance taking care of his mentally unstable brother with his own hectic life. it was very tender, and honest.
one thing that has me frustrated these days is this-- i am deeply involved in the lives of 3 young men. J and F from my neighborhood and Sean from South Pas. Each day, i see sean transforming into a compassionate, socially aware, well-balanced individual with a love for learning. It really really frustrates me that i do not see J and F changing that quickly. Or that i dont have the opportunity to spend as much time with them as i do with Sean. And i want to much to see them transformed by God's love. For that matter, i want so much for MYSELF to be transformed by God's love, yet i scarcely see it each day as each day seems to be exactly like the one that came before.
i am reminded of a verse in Habakkuk:
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.
I heard a beautiful song this morning. Damien Jurado, "Medication" . It was about a man who is trying to balance taking care of his mentally unstable brother with his own hectic life. it was very tender, and honest.
one thing that has me frustrated these days is this-- i am deeply involved in the lives of 3 young men. J and F from my neighborhood and Sean from South Pas. Each day, i see sean transforming into a compassionate, socially aware, well-balanced individual with a love for learning. It really really frustrates me that i do not see J and F changing that quickly. Or that i dont have the opportunity to spend as much time with them as i do with Sean. And i want to much to see them transformed by God's love. For that matter, i want so much for MYSELF to be transformed by God's love, yet i scarcely see it each day as each day seems to be exactly like the one that came before.
i am reminded of a verse in Habakkuk:
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.
Monday, January 23, 2006
San Francicso was the sizznit. Had a great time and i loved the city. Drove and walked through many neighborhoods, got some good food, mad urban knowledge, a basketball game, and this bookstore that almost made me pee myself and want to move there right away.
unrelatedly, I found thisarticleon a friend's blog. dont read it unless you want to cry.
unrelatedly, I found thisarticleon a friend's blog. dont read it unless you want to cry.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Flip Mode
I am off to San Francisco this weekend with Rob and Eric.
Goings on this last week:
i have begun my first well-thought out art project. it will be a 3-d multi-media presentation. Beyond that, you'll have to come to Betsy's Art Night next weekend to see it. Or wait till i post pictures.
iPod and Myspace. Two Po-Mo techie youth culture phenomena that have invaded my life and threaten my spirituality. Jacob, dont get too caught up.
Ministry: The Summit St. Bible Club and mentoring two high-schoolers. What am I doing? What am I afraid of? What is God telling me about me? Where to go next? Can I have the grace and patience with myself that God does? What is God doing in them? All questions I have been seeking (and finding) answers to.
Soon to get a California drivers license. A big step for me. New Mexico is always in my heart.
Continued depth, joy, character growth and frustration at work. The school system angers me; education delights me. That is why I must do it.
Goings on this last week:
i have begun my first well-thought out art project. it will be a 3-d multi-media presentation. Beyond that, you'll have to come to Betsy's Art Night next weekend to see it. Or wait till i post pictures.
iPod and Myspace. Two Po-Mo techie youth culture phenomena that have invaded my life and threaten my spirituality. Jacob, dont get too caught up.
Ministry: The Summit St. Bible Club and mentoring two high-schoolers. What am I doing? What am I afraid of? What is God telling me about me? Where to go next? Can I have the grace and patience with myself that God does? What is God doing in them? All questions I have been seeking (and finding) answers to.
Soon to get a California drivers license. A big step for me. New Mexico is always in my heart.
Continued depth, joy, character growth and frustration at work. The school system angers me; education delights me. That is why I must do it.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
i have had an increased desire these days to do art...
I feel more and more like i have a sense of which music, images, shapes, colors i want to convey my perspective on the world. I guess i am beginning to hone my ideas of what is beautiful to me.
I wish i could make a short movie. I know what locations i would have, what angles, what music, what lighting....
The only thing is, i am very dry when it comes to ideas for narrative and plot development. If i were to make a film right now, it would be more like a visual poem or a song than a story. it would convey impressions, perspectives---on the contradictions i see around me, the mixture of the beautiful and the ugly, the sublime and mundane. It would be very human, very close to bodies, sounds, breathing, habits, waking, sleeping....but it would hint at the reaching for something beyong human. The transcendence of singing, of intimacy and touch, of creation, language, work, and ultimately, of seeking God.
i dont know, just some ideas.
I need a camera
I feel more and more like i have a sense of which music, images, shapes, colors i want to convey my perspective on the world. I guess i am beginning to hone my ideas of what is beautiful to me.
I wish i could make a short movie. I know what locations i would have, what angles, what music, what lighting....
The only thing is, i am very dry when it comes to ideas for narrative and plot development. If i were to make a film right now, it would be more like a visual poem or a song than a story. it would convey impressions, perspectives---on the contradictions i see around me, the mixture of the beautiful and the ugly, the sublime and mundane. It would be very human, very close to bodies, sounds, breathing, habits, waking, sleeping....but it would hint at the reaching for something beyong human. The transcendence of singing, of intimacy and touch, of creation, language, work, and ultimately, of seeking God.
i dont know, just some ideas.
I need a camera
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
I have been reading this book as a part of my effort this season to take Sabbath more seriously. This verse about ministry flowing from solitude sticks out to me. it concerns judgementalism and compassion.
"judgement creates the distance, the distinction which prevents us from really being with the other"
This strikes to some of my deeper and shameful sinfulness, which is in judging others and being self-righteous. This was plaguing me last semester, and God has been teaching me a lot about my own condition and the (sometimes) painful humility it takes to do something as basic as love others, live daily life with them, and even pray for them.
I picked up a Novena Manual from home when I was there. This is a small booklet published by an order in the Catholic church that is devoted to meditating on and adoring the Precious Blood of Jesus and the sufferings and joys of Mary and Joseph. It has reminded me of the basic truth of my faith, which sadly, i dont think about much when my mind and life are so consumed with action and ministry: That Jesus' blood was Holy and Precious and that for his entire life, he was destined to shed it painfully, every drop, so that my sinfulness could be washed away. There is a solemn beauty in this, which is conveyed wonderfully and worshipfully in the Catholic tradition.
How I need to be reminded of Jesus' blood every day as it is hard to be humble and see myself as no better than others. I need it just as much as they do.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
my so-called life
i'll have some pictures to post up in the next few days
this has felt like a long break. I am glad for it. God met me in ways i would not have expected.
I had not expected to look back into my life as much as i did these last couple weeks. Among other things, it is clear that there is no turning back. The person I have become is very different and more whole than the person i would have become had i stayed and grown here in NM
Praise God for his nurturing of a new creation in me. Yet, as i spent time in old places in old company, it became clear that much of that boy is still in me. Much of the desires, the values, the vices, the habits are still a part of me.
It has been sobering to trace the veins of my woundedness through mementos of my past, as well as in the lives of people from my past who are still struggling (whether they know it or not) Old yearbooks reminded me of my insecurities, social fears, isolation. All the missed opportunities for relationships. Boxes of old letters paint a picture of early, awkward and destructive emotional attachments, addictions, manipulations. Feelings that i did not know how to define or control, and people that i hurt or was hurt by--but also loved and was loved by. The level of depth in some of them was amazing, and i could see that as i moved from one place to another (from home to Pomona, for example) I was very adept at creating myself anew and avoiding the pain or the complications of what i had left behind, not knowing that had i paid attention to those things and stepped into the discomfort, there could have been some healing and blessing for me.
And my friends here. I spent more time with old high-school folk than i usually do, but in the midst of them i felt distant, not one of them. This is not unusual for me when i am home, but what struck me this time was how little had seemed to change in many people's lives. Not only that, but i found out in more detail how sad and hurting some of my friend's lives continue to be. Everyone is searhcing. Everyone i knew from back in the day was earnestly looking for answers. More often than not it was in the form a man or a woman who in the end betrayed and abandoned them. For others it was drugs, for others it was success.
Whatever it is, I remain as one of them. I am a fallen son just like all the fallen sons and daughters around me. But it really made me stop and think-- what is it that I have in Christ that makes me--us--different? What is the meaning of my faith and my redemption? What do i have to offer? What am I accountable and responsible for that they are not? Why do i believe what i believe and do what i do? A part of me feels comfortable with my old friends. I relate to them, i have fun with them. But a deeper part continues to feel a profound unease, almost an anxiety or a fear. It is a fear for them. It is a fear of this world, even a holy fear that you get from knowing the true nature of things.
we are still on the same pilgrimage, beloved by the same father as they are.
i guess when i look back on all the confusing and painful things about my life, one thing i can honestly say is that i have known myself more as i have known God more. When i did not know God, my life was tangled, darkened and a dissipation of my energy and resources. It continues to be those things even now when i chose away from Him. But lest this be just a long depressing reflection on my crappy life--let me say this: It was not crappy. There were many graces, many real joys and many enduring signs and gifts of God's mercy and faithfulness.
I hope to connect more deeply in the future with my family and friends from Albuquerque. Pray that God would grow me in the wisdom, compassion and boldness i will need to go there.
this has felt like a long break. I am glad for it. God met me in ways i would not have expected.
I had not expected to look back into my life as much as i did these last couple weeks. Among other things, it is clear that there is no turning back. The person I have become is very different and more whole than the person i would have become had i stayed and grown here in NM
Praise God for his nurturing of a new creation in me. Yet, as i spent time in old places in old company, it became clear that much of that boy is still in me. Much of the desires, the values, the vices, the habits are still a part of me.
It has been sobering to trace the veins of my woundedness through mementos of my past, as well as in the lives of people from my past who are still struggling (whether they know it or not) Old yearbooks reminded me of my insecurities, social fears, isolation. All the missed opportunities for relationships. Boxes of old letters paint a picture of early, awkward and destructive emotional attachments, addictions, manipulations. Feelings that i did not know how to define or control, and people that i hurt or was hurt by--but also loved and was loved by. The level of depth in some of them was amazing, and i could see that as i moved from one place to another (from home to Pomona, for example) I was very adept at creating myself anew and avoiding the pain or the complications of what i had left behind, not knowing that had i paid attention to those things and stepped into the discomfort, there could have been some healing and blessing for me.
And my friends here. I spent more time with old high-school folk than i usually do, but in the midst of them i felt distant, not one of them. This is not unusual for me when i am home, but what struck me this time was how little had seemed to change in many people's lives. Not only that, but i found out in more detail how sad and hurting some of my friend's lives continue to be. Everyone is searhcing. Everyone i knew from back in the day was earnestly looking for answers. More often than not it was in the form a man or a woman who in the end betrayed and abandoned them. For others it was drugs, for others it was success.
Whatever it is, I remain as one of them. I am a fallen son just like all the fallen sons and daughters around me. But it really made me stop and think-- what is it that I have in Christ that makes me--us--different? What is the meaning of my faith and my redemption? What do i have to offer? What am I accountable and responsible for that they are not? Why do i believe what i believe and do what i do? A part of me feels comfortable with my old friends. I relate to them, i have fun with them. But a deeper part continues to feel a profound unease, almost an anxiety or a fear. It is a fear for them. It is a fear of this world, even a holy fear that you get from knowing the true nature of things.
we are still on the same pilgrimage, beloved by the same father as they are.
i guess when i look back on all the confusing and painful things about my life, one thing i can honestly say is that i have known myself more as i have known God more. When i did not know God, my life was tangled, darkened and a dissipation of my energy and resources. It continues to be those things even now when i chose away from Him. But lest this be just a long depressing reflection on my crappy life--let me say this: It was not crappy. There were many graces, many real joys and many enduring signs and gifts of God's mercy and faithfulness.
I hope to connect more deeply in the future with my family and friends from Albuquerque. Pray that God would grow me in the wisdom, compassion and boldness i will need to go there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)