my so-called life

i'll have some pictures to post up in the next few days

this has felt like a long break. I am glad for it. God met me in ways i would not have expected.

I had not expected to look back into my life as much as i did these last couple weeks. Among other things, it is clear that there is no turning back. The person I have become is very different and more whole than the person i would have become had i stayed and grown here in NM
Praise God for his nurturing of a new creation in me. Yet, as i spent time in old places in old company, it became clear that much of that boy is still in me. Much of the desires, the values, the vices, the habits are still a part of me.
It has been sobering to trace the veins of my woundedness through mementos of my past, as well as in the lives of people from my past who are still struggling (whether they know it or not) Old yearbooks reminded me of my insecurities, social fears, isolation. All the missed opportunities for relationships. Boxes of old letters paint a picture of early, awkward and destructive emotional attachments, addictions, manipulations. Feelings that i did not know how to define or control, and people that i hurt or was hurt by--but also loved and was loved by. The level of depth in some of them was amazing, and i could see that as i moved from one place to another (from home to Pomona, for example) I was very adept at creating myself anew and avoiding the pain or the complications of what i had left behind, not knowing that had i paid attention to those things and stepped into the discomfort, there could have been some healing and blessing for me.

And my friends here. I spent more time with old high-school folk than i usually do, but in the midst of them i felt distant, not one of them. This is not unusual for me when i am home, but what struck me this time was how little had seemed to change in many people's lives. Not only that, but i found out in more detail how sad and hurting some of my friend's lives continue to be. Everyone is searhcing. Everyone i knew from back in the day was earnestly looking for answers. More often than not it was in the form a man or a woman who in the end betrayed and abandoned them. For others it was drugs, for others it was success.

Whatever it is, I remain as one of them. I am a fallen son just like all the fallen sons and daughters around me. But it really made me stop and think-- what is it that I have in Christ that makes me--us--different? What is the meaning of my faith and my redemption? What do i have to offer? What am I accountable and responsible for that they are not? Why do i believe what i believe and do what i do? A part of me feels comfortable with my old friends. I relate to them, i have fun with them. But a deeper part continues to feel a profound unease, almost an anxiety or a fear. It is a fear for them. It is a fear of this world, even a holy fear that you get from knowing the true nature of things.
we are still on the same pilgrimage, beloved by the same father as they are.

i guess when i look back on all the confusing and painful things about my life, one thing i can honestly say is that i have known myself more as i have known God more. When i did not know God, my life was tangled, darkened and a dissipation of my energy and resources. It continues to be those things even now when i chose away from Him. But lest this be just a long depressing reflection on my crappy life--let me say this: It was not crappy. There were many graces, many real joys and many enduring signs and gifts of God's mercy and faithfulness.

I hope to connect more deeply in the future with my family and friends from Albuquerque. Pray that God would grow me in the wisdom, compassion and boldness i will need to go there.